Thursday, June 30, 2011

It only takes one mia-nute

Before I was working on being "recovered" back when things were really bad good and I was down to 106 pounds and people were like "oh em gee you're so tiny" I felt soo guilty if I ate anything that I would just throw up everything. The past week things have been sooo bad. I can't believe I lost control like this. I told myself it was ok to recover and its not. It's really not.

I had to go to a business dinner last night and I already planned out what I was having: seared Ahi tuna, rare. Veggies. Salad with raspberry vinaigrette on the side. And that is what I had except...

Like I said it was a business dinner which means I did not pay and appetizers were ordered for us. And wherrrre do they put the crab dip?? Right in front of my face. I had like 3 carrots and two celery sticks with crab dip. But of course that blew my whole day, ruined my 800 calorie limit and the bathroom was right there. I went in. I thought for a minute. Should I go back down this road? I HATE mia with every ounce of my body. I just hate throwing up. I hate it. I bent over the toilet. I was just about to when.... my boss walks in. SHIT! So I flushed, washed my hands, and left.

Now I felt really guilty afterwards. Not because I tried but because I was so close and failed. As much as I hate mia I couldn't help it. My brain said "get this food out of my body" and that was it. Now lesson learned, any binge at all, no matter how slight means I will throw it up, whether I like it or not.

On a better note, today was EXCELLENT! I ran 2.5 miles so burned 250 cals. I ate:

B: Tortilla=120
2 egg white=34
2 tbs guac=40
L: subway orchard chicken salad, 1 scoop=160
on a salad with veggies and vinegar=20
baked lays=120
D: frozen yogurt, small=150
2 strawberries=10
2 tbs chocolate jimmies=115
TOTAL = 769

(minus -250 for running, but I think subtracting workout cals is a cop out until I begin running 8+ miles a day and then I will have to eat more to keep energy)

So anyway, I am backkk. I can feel it. Food was comfort and it still is. It makes me happy. But then again, so does Ana. I don't want to eat. I can feel that have gained control again. Saying no when a friend offers me a chip or a cookie. Waking up every morning jumping on the scale and seeing the number, however slowly, go down down down. THAT is me. Ana is who I am. There is not use fighting it, denying it, ignoring it. I am 24 years old. I am an adult, not a child. This isn't a phase, this isn't going to go away. THIS IS WHO I AM.

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