I ahven't blogged in awhile I know. I'm really depressed. I'm still fat. I feel like crap. And i really need to go shopping but told myself I wouldn't until I got to at least 110 pounds. And I'm still 116 and I can't stop eating!! I just eat for taste, not for hunger. And after I'm done eating I still feel unsatisfied. I need more will power. Womp Womp. I suck!
The past couple days have been good. I was at 114 this morning and am at 116 tonight. I did mini binge tonight on baked chips and salsa but immediately purged (which really hurt coming back up) and not my tummy is growling again and its 10 pm and I am in bed and won't feed it. Tomorrow I have my whole breakfast, lunch, and dinner packed which totals 500 calories. Its my bag of tricks literally. I have:
B-Yogurt (80) + 1/4 cup kashi mixed in (35)= 115 L- Turkey (60) + 1/2 wrap (60) + apple (60) + fruit cup (25)=205 D- Carrots (70) + rice cakes (60) + a little bit of ff honey mustard (50)= 180
For a grand total of 500. Seems like a lot of food though I know but only 500.
I am definitely losing my patience with this whole weight loss thing. I just want to see the numbers go down!! I was a pound less today than I was yesterday but I just hate my jiggly wiggly fat. Today I ate around 800 calories. Still too much! And I didn't exercise at all. Tomorrow will be much better and I will go to the gym before work too. Ahh sigh...
So I was and still am aiming to stay under 500, but zen made a good point when she asked if I was running this much last year because I surely wasn't. I wasn't even exercising at all actually. For example, I wanted to stay under 500 today and I started out well having a starbucks drink (140 calories which I probably should have skipped) and a power bar (240 calories) because I knew I was going for a big run today.
For dinner I planned on having a salad with low fat dressing. I went to the gym and ran 8 miles which took me roughly 90 minutes (due to a couple walk breaks). That burns a little over 800 calories. By the time I sat to have dinner I was so hungry I thought I was going to throw up. I ate my salad (with 150 calories of dressing) and also had 2 oz of wheat bread with goat cheese (250 calories).
So my total for today is 780 calories which is less than I burned today so I guess I am ok with that. But since zen did mention that I guess I should keep it mind its going to be really hard to eat under 500 cals if I am running 5+ miles a day.
I'm just worried because my weight is up to 120 pounds! I need to lose weight and I need to do it fast! My goal is 15 pounds this month. I am reading some good new ana books too so hopefully I will be inspired.
So I was looking back on my food log from a few months ago (December to be exact) when I had lost 10 pounds in a little less than 2 weeks. I was down to 106 pounds! I was so skinny. People at work told me I looked anorexic (if they only knew...). So anyway, I was eating under 500 everyday, no exceptions, not even on christmas. I was also purging which is really bad and I don't want to revert back to that. On some days though I only ate 200 calories.
So, I am really sick of hating my body. I feel like people are always staring at my fat and watching it jiggle. I just bought 3 new ana books so I am going to read them and use them as inspiration.
Oh and today I did really well. Under 700 for the day. Still 116 pounds though. Grrr. 11 pounds to go then shopping spreeee!!