Wednesday, June 30, 2010

two pounds away

Down to 113.6 this morning. I am happy but I feel like its too good to be true. I don't know I just sat around all day yesterday doing nothing and I still ate 500 calories and still lost 2 pounds? I drank a ton of water too. I'm a bit skeptical. Today's calories intake 550. If I am still in the 113's tomorrow I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Just weighed myself tonight and 114.6. Holla! Calorie intake for the day: 540. Yes good news. Bad news I basically sat around on my ass all day watching tv and sleeping. More good news, I am so stuffed up that I can't taste anything, thus my will to eat is minimal. Stay in the 114's tomorrow! Fingers crossed.

on my deathbed

Good news, I am down to 115 again. Thank god I got rid of that pizza weight. Bad news, I am soo unbelievably sick. I am coughing, have a sore throat, an ear infection. If doesn't get much worse than this. I hate being stuck in the house all day bored because I just want to eat. I have only eaten 100 cals today and will prob have something easy to swallow like soup for dinner. I will write more when I am feeling better. Hopefully that is soon.

And 3 pounds to go, 5 days...

Sunday, June 27, 2010


So my hubby made me a bet. He bet me that I can't be 112 pounds by Monday. If I don't make weight I have to take dog walking/waking-up-at-7-am-to-feed-them duty for an entire month! Efff that! I ended up eating a little bit tonight because I was at work and I was starved and I knew if I didn't eat something healthy I would do something dumb so I ate a 400 calorie meal. I then freaked out and purged most of if in the bathroom but then some people came in and I can't purge quietly with people in the stall next to me. So anyway I still think tonight is s fail because I came home and the scale said 2 pounds then what I need it to say.

7 days...

5 pounds...

OMG I am going to need some serious restriction, Tomorrow:

B- fat free cottage cheese and egg whites- 115
L- protein shake (before gym)- 120
D- veggies burgers -160
broccoli- 60
S- sugar free jello and fat free cool whip 50

pizza is my emeny

Last night was bad. Very bad. As bad as it gets. I went to a wine festival. Afterwards my fiance thinks it would be a good idea to get pizza. Enough said. I gained 2 pounds. I'm up to 117. Liquid fast all day today. Protein whey powder and water.

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Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday night at the gym

So I got off work tonight and none of my friends were really doing anything. I had eaten about 20 jelly bellys at work and was feeling super guilty about it. I mean I finally reached 115 this morning and I didn't want to screw it up by going back to 116 bc of some stupid (but yummy) jelly beans. So, the only logical thing to do was to go to the gym. I was really surprised my gym (which is so awesome bc its open 24 hours) was busier then I though it would be on a Friday night at 11 pm. I'm really becoming obsessed with losing weight and running my 5 miles. I love it though! 114 tomorrow?? I wish!

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great news

Great news ladies! I finally, after days of restricting and plateauing, have reached 115. Not 115.5 or 115.8 but just good ol 115.0. I am so happy to reach my mini goal. Only 3 pounds to go to my next goal. I need to be 112 by Monday. Wish me luck!

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

bikini wax

I'm finally going to do something that I've been wanting to do for forever. I'm going to get a bikini wax! I can't believe I'm going to pay someone $40 to rip out my coochey hairs! I'm super excited though. Its going to hurt like hell but it will be worth it.

Anyway 116.0 this morning. OMG I'm almost there. I hope to god I'm 115 by tomorrow. I need to be 112 by next week. I am eating under 500 until I see 112. I don't care if I have to go to the gym and only walk my 5 miles. I WILL do 5 miles. I WILL eat under 500. I WILL be 112 pounds by next week!! Tomorrow's meal plan:

B- fat free cottage cheese 80
Starbucks tall iced skinny latte extra shot 60
L- morning star veggie pattie 80
wheat bun 70
fresh pineapple 80
D- granola bar 90
steamed veggies 35

Total = 495 calories

Starve on ladies <3

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Well 116.4 this morning. Looks,like I have hit a good ol fashioned plateau. I am thankful that after the cupcake I still lost a half pound. I went to the gym this morning but woke up late so it was only a quick 250 cal workout. And its only 3 pm and I've already reached my cal intake limit for the day. Oh well I have no one to blame but myself. Looks like water and green tea for dinner!

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

mini cupcake

I tried today I really did I promise. I wish I could tell you I did well today, but that would be a big fat lie.

L- 260

1000 calories today. I really sucked. I worked out for an hour and a half though and burned 600+ calories. I lifted too but unfortunately that doesn't burn a lot of calories. The 250 calories snack was a mini red velvet cupcake that my roommate had in the fridge. I didn't want to eat it but I am blaming this one on good 'ol aunt flow. I just needed something sweet. I only had one even though there are many more in there. And I heated it up and the icing was all melting and I have to admit, it was AMAZING. But all that hard work at the gym. The 5 miles I ran, all for nothing. I'm pathetic. I am never going to look good in this new bikini.

I'm sorry to complain this is just the only place I can go to gripe about my weight because everyone else I complain to just says "shut up you're so tiny" but they just don't understand the anxiety and panic that comes with eating more than my allotted amount of calories. Thank you ladies for listening.

And ZEN: thank you for always commenting and making me feel like I am not alone in this.

my scale is sabotaging me

So as you know my goal was to be 115 lbs by yesterday. You also know that when I woke up I was 116.2. Not great but I accepted it and figured I would work really hard yesterday and get down to 115 by today.

So I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate about 800-900 Cals. More than I wanted to eat but that's ok because I ran. Today I get on the scale and it says 116.8. What!?? How is that possible!? I don't understand. I mean I had a lot of sodium last night and I'm getting my period tomorrow but still. I'm so upset. I feel discouraged. I want to see 115. I NEED to see 115. I guess I just need to try harder. The only way to know for sure that I will lose is to stay under 500 cals no matter what.

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Monday, June 21, 2010


I was 116.2 this morning. So close to my goal of 115! I'll post more later I just wanted to let you all know.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I was 116.4 when I woke up this morning. Fuck. I knew those fries would make me gain. I had a great day today. Avoided all sorts of cookies and hotdogs at the bbq today (which I love on the grill but said I hated). I did great except for a serving of chips, guacamole, and cheese. I really hope I am still at 116 tomorrow morning.

Under 500 tomorrow no matter what. My short term goal is to be 115 by Monday morning so all I have is tomorrow. I really hope I can do it. Goals:

115 by 6/21
112 by 6/28
110 by 7/5 (cruise day)

God help me!

Friday, June 18, 2010


I was so good all day today! I had Starbucks (90) for breakfast and then ordered a bean burger for lunch from work (350) and ate half for lunch then had the other half for dinner. I was feeling great I was down to 115.6 this morning and I just got cockey tonight and ate like 10 french fries (200) and a few chips (100) and a bite of a brownie with icecream (200). My total for the night is roughly 1000 today which isn't bad except I wasn't able to work out and I just feel huge. I got on the scale tonight and it said 118.6. OMG. I want to die. I'm staying under 500 tomorrow no matter what. Hope your days were better than mine :/

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

oh and..

My ultra short term goal is to be 115 by monday morning (6/21). That gives me 2 weeks to lose another 8 pounds.

ugh I'm an idiot

So I was great all day today I had:

a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch (300)
2 glasses of wine (200)
2 straight vodka shots (200 which were forced upon me)
2 mini corn bread muffins (104 also forced upon me)

And then I came home... kinda drunk

1 quesadilla made with 2 pieces fat free swiss cheese and salsa (190)
100 calories bag of popcorn (100)

A grand total of 1100 calories... WTF!!! I hate alcohol thats why I never drink.

How am I going to get to 108 pounds in 19 days if I keep eating like a cow ????

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

lacking energy

I am experiencing a serious lack of energy today. I ate about 250 calories all day and then went to the gym and during my second mile I felt like I was going to die! I felt really weak, my arms felt heavy and I felt sick. I kept running though. I am just used to being able to run 5 miles without a problem but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway today I had around 900 calories again and I only burned 400. Fuuuck. Thats too much! I have to do better tomorrow. I really have to.


117.8 lbs this morning yayy. I'm still losing. Tomato soup for breakfast/lunch (180) and 2 hours at the gym. I'll post more later.

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Monday, June 14, 2010


Every time I go to put food in my mouth I just keep telling myself that I am going to be the fastest girl on the cruise. In fact I might be the reason the ship sinks because it won't be able to support my fat ass.

Yesterday I only had 520 Cals and today I had around 900. Way on the high side today but I also ran 5 miles so I'm not too worried about it. My stomach is also growling right now so I guess I didn't do too much damage.

I'm starting to hear that ana voice in my head again. Whenever I go to take a bite of food I hear "sure you wanna eat that fat ass" or today for example I had 5 French fries at work (it was my breakfast and lunch) and then when I was at the gym running the voice kept saying "oh yea you wanna stop? maybe you shouldn't have eaten those fries blubber butt"

Well at least this morning I was down to 118 lbs. I hope I still lose tomorrow even though I ate those fries. I know its water weight but it still feels so good when you look down and see a lower number then yesterday. Anyway starve on my loves.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Well thank you ladies for the nice comments. I know I'm not the best writer but I'm going to try to make this a little more interesting so maybe more people will read it. Its saturday night and I am home alone. I could go to dinner or go get drinks with friends but that all involves ingesting calories. So instead I am home by myself like a loser and feeling quite depressed about it. I was thinking about going to the movies by myself but I think that would make me even more depressed.

So my fiance decided to take me on a cruise. Yayy. Now I really have to lose 10 pounds or I'm going to look like a beached whale. Were leaving in like 23 days so that is an average of 3 pounds a week. I lost 10 pounds in a week in a half earlier this year so I know I can do it. I think I'm going to need some fast days though. As always though I will keep you all updated.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


As much as I am going to be so embarassed to post these pictures I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway. Haa. So here goes nothing. This is me in all my 120 pounds of fatness.

Ughh look at the belly pouch and love handles.

My fat ass.

Front view isn't so bad...if I were 6 months prego!

So hopefully I will post more at 110 pounds and then at 100 (if and when I get there).

Monday, June 7, 2010

pictures tomorrow

So I just got a new phone and I'm trying to figure out how to upload these pictures I took of myself but for some reason its not working. Oh well. I guess I'll post tomorrow so you can all see me in all my glorious fatness.
Anyway, I tried to be a good little ana today but the fat girl won. I ate some cheese, crackers, and pepperoni for dinner. Sigh...

This is why I'm 121 and not 105. If I can just be good for one week I know I will start to see results and that will be enough to motivate me. Anyway, pics tomorrow I promise.

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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Falling behind

And 121 again. I was doing so well I was down to 118 and then I got excited and started eating like crap again. Today included. I ran a 10k this morning. Which is great yes, but afterwards I ate 2 pieces of french toast and then for dinner I had 2 pieces of pizza (home made with fat free cheese and lots of tomato sauce) and, this is the worst part, not 1 but 2 cinnabons. At least 1500 cals for the day. I need to feel motivated again. Anyone want to do an ABC or some kind of competition?? Please, I need some help here!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Back from the Beach

Hello! I'm back from the beach and oh my was it terrible. More terrible than I could have imagined. All of my girlfriends that I went with are around my height and my same weight, except we all carry it differently. Of course, I carry my weight in my stomach and thighs. I have a very small upper body. Skinny arms ( I can see all my veins) and I have always been able to see my collar bone. My hip bones however have only shown at one period in my life and that was when I was 105 pounds. My girlfriends, however, are more proportioned so when I put on a bathing suit I was definitely the fat ass. Literally, my ass was the fattest. Uggghh.

To make it worse, of course I starved myself all day like I always do and normally it is fine and I can handle it butttt of course I practically binge drank so I drunk ate twice and don't remember it. Chicken cheese steaks and pizza. FML. Miraculously I didn't gain any weight. Not a single pound! When I left I weight 119 and came home and I still weight 119. Thank god!

Well anyway, today was ok.

b- Fiber one bar- 90 cals
l-chicken sand - 230 cals
veggies- 35 cals
low fat ranch - 70 cals
d- grilled cheese - 400 cals (bad bad very bad)
raw green bell pepper and fat free ranch - 60 cals

Total 885 cals. Sooo bad!

I ran 3 miles too, but I don't subtract my workout calories because I don't think food should be my reward.

Tomorrow's goal is under 700 and run 3 miles.