Friday, August 13, 2010

never eating again

so basically how i been feeling lately is that I just can't eat any food at all. If I try to eat healthy I just go over my daily intake limit thus depressing me and causing me to binge. But, if I just don't eat I'm fine because I don't expect any satisfaction from food so being hungry is acceptable and welcomed.
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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

so mad at mysrlf

So I've been doing great. Under 500 every day and burning 500 at the gym. I was down 4 pounds and I honestly haven't even been hungry. Tonight was my last girls night before school starts and I had been debating all day to eat or not to eat because that is always the question. I chose not to eat. 3 glasses of wine later and I ate... a salad and ahi tuna. Fml
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Friday, August 6, 2010

so hungry

I'm at the gym right now treading away on the stairmaster. 500 calories burned 300 more to go. Calorie intake for the day 380. Dinner tonight is grilled chicken and salad at 7pm. Weight is down 3 pounds this week. I'm so hungry ladies. I'm just so hungry...

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Where have all my fellow bloggers gone?

I have a complaint. When I first started blogging last year I was very selective in the blogs I read and followed. I wanted to follow people like myself. Women like me. Disordered and confused. I found a few blogs that I loved. I felt that I could really relate to you all and thus my quest to fit in begun. But lately I've noticed I get less and less blog updates. I feel lost again. Where has everyone gone??

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

No news is good news

So not much has changed. My brother is in town and we have been going out to eat every day. I haven't been ordering bad stuff but it just sucks I can't really control my food. I think what I'm eating is healthy. I think I'm staying under 1k cals but the scale isn't moving so I guess I'm not doing as well as I think I am. he leaves Sunday so things will go back to normal then. Its just hard because I can't be like "oh salad and cottage cheese for dinner today little Bro" I just want to get back to normal!

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Monday, July 26, 2010


Poop is all I can think about because its the one thing I can't do! Its becoming a very serious problem. I feel sick I think the toxins are sinking into my body if thats even possible. I need to take some laxies but I just hate how unpredictable they are. Sometimes I go like 2 hours after sometimes I go like 8 hours after. Oh well. I need to just give it a try.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010


I just hate, hate, hate the RN at my doctor's office. I don't know why I just don't like her. She is so snobby. I don't think she likes me either though. So anyway, I had to go to the doctors today as a follow up appointment for some migraine medication I am on. Now keep in mind I was just there a few weeks ago when I got a terrible cold and I was skinnier. Last time I went my weight, with shoes and clothes on, was 115. Today I am bloated (about to get my period) and I know for a fact I am at least 120 with shoes and clothes on and honestly I just don't want anyone (except you ladies because I heart you) to know how much I weigh. So, when she asked me to get on the scale I said "Oh I think I'm going to skip that part today." Oh my god you would think I killed the women's puppy. She was like ...gasp... "really??" but she said it in a way like I just called her a foul name or something. She seemed insulted and then under today's date she wrote "weight: refused." Bitch! I just hate her! Who cares if I don't want to get on the freaking scale. I was there 3 weeks ago. Anyway, why does a person have to get weighed every...single...time they go to the doctor? If I gained 20 pounds you would know. If I lost 20 pounds (please, god, please) you would know. Anyway, sorry to rant. Hope you girls are having a great day.

Its not about losing weight anymore. Now, its about losing me. Losing myself, my fat self. Yes I can eat a bagel today and start my "diet" tomorrow but I'm sick of this. Sick of not having control of my own body. Sick of letting the fat girl inside me win win win. A few months ago I trained for a half marathon. Do you know how hard it is mentally to run 13 miles? If you don't I'll tell you. Its fucking hard! But I didn't listen to my body, I listened to my head and afterwards the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I did something 90% of the people I know wouldn't have the guts and strength to do, now that was an awesome feeling! So I can do this. I am in control.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just a little side note. I am really proud of myself because I really wanted a bagel last night. I told myself if I woke up early I could stop and get one at dunkin donuts bc I always go there and get an iced coffee. So my plan was to go and get a bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and eat half and throw half away. So I woke up early and went and got in line and I ordered my coffee and then said "that's it". I didn't order the bagel. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm proud of myself! Hopefully mire to post later.

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Monday, July 19, 2010

give it some time

So I think part of the problem is that the first time I lost weight and got skinnyish I did it so quickly! Like in a matter of weeks. This ultimately led to weeks of binging as we all know will happen. The thing is this time around I need to be more patient. The weight will come off if I eat under 900. I know it will I just can't keep getting so frustrated! I give myself til Aug 1st to be 115 so that's 3 pounds from where I am now. I think if I keep setting these little goals for myself instead of obsessing over the big picture it will help. Starve on ladies.

Oh and BTW I am rereading Unwell by Leslie Lipton and it really is motivational!

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

I haven't posted in a few days and the reason is I am just ashamed at my lack of will power. I'm not eating bad but every time i tell myself 500 calories I eat 900. I haven't felt the urge to purge which really sucks because at least if I purge I feel like I am punishing myself for eating too much.

I baked a cake from scratch for my mother-in-law's birthday yesterday. Good news, I didn't eat any food all day. Bad news, I ate like a pound of icing. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even see my hipbones any more. Ughh...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I think I have a serious binge eating problem. I can't stop eating! I feel sick and I want to throw up but I just want to, I need to, taste, taste, taste. I find myself eating things I don't even like! Mayonaise. I hate mayonaise but yet I felt the need to eat it. No, not on a sandwich just with my finger. Seriously, I HATE mayonaise. Why is this happening?? My weight is rising. I don't know what is happening. I just have no control. Any advice... please??

Monday, July 12, 2010

I wish I could tell you ladies that I am losing but the fact is I have done the exact opposite. I have managed to balloon up to a whopping 121 pounds. Keep in mind that my ultimate high weight is 123 so I am only 2 pounds away from my high weight. Omg this is terrible!! Thankfully I ate great today 700ish calories. I was doing so well I can't believe vacation ruined everything. On a good note I am laying in bed and my stomach is growling so that means I am hungry. Yay.

I was watching the Oprah show today at the gym and they had this author on the show who wrote a book about women, god, and food. Now I am not a firm believer in the man upstairs but I did relate a lot to what these women were saying about food being comfort and eating for taste not for hunger. Eating until they feel so full they want to puke and then hating themselves afterwards. This is often how I feel after eating. Except, 2 main factors I feel separate me from these women. First of all, I feel like that even after eating a salad and a boca burger. No matter what I eat I am filled with an extreme amount of self loathing. Secondly, I am not going to sit back and let myself feel this way. I am going to DO something about it. I'm not going to let myself be just another 30 something woman 20 pounds overweight and eating my sorrows. I will starve and I will be thinner than everyone else because I am better and stronger then all those women out there. Starve in my loves!!

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Saturday, July 10, 2010

I'm back

Well I'm back from vacation. I gained 5 pounds. I'm so terribly unhappy. It just wasn't possible to eat healthy. The only healthy thing they had was fruit which was only offered at breakfast and I ate it every day. Dinner was terrible. It was a 3 course sit down meal in which virtually nothing even remotely healthy was offered. One night I even got the steak thinking it was the healthiest thing on the menu. It came smothered in a melted butter sauce. I did not know this when I ordered it otherwise I would have asked them to not put it on there. So needless to say I am a fat cow weighing in at 117.8 pounds. At least its over, I'm home, and now I can go back to counting calories and stop feeling so anxious about my weight! There is nothing to fear now. Vacation is over and never again will I be forced to eat 3 full meals a day. Thank god!!

New goal: get back down to my pre-vacation weight of 113 by July 24th. So that is 5 pounds and 2 weeks. I can definitely do that!

I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. Missed you girls. So glad to be home!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

pre-vacation post

Well ladies this is my last post until I return from the Bahamas on Saturday. As you know I was striving to reach 112 by tomorrow morning. Well after a much needed bowel movement (sorry tmi) I weigh in at 114.2 in the middle of the day. I guess I'll take it. I know I am going to have to eat 3 meals a day since all food is included on the cruise. I just hope I don't gain more than 2 pounds. I'm going to work out every day and being in a bathing suit all day will really help discourage me from eating badly. Well love you girls. I'll miss you! Talk to you all Saturday <3

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Saturday, July 3, 2010

I hate birthdays

So its kind of hard to do a liquid fast when you're at lunch with 5 other peoplevall of whom are eating. I forgot it is my friends birthday and I promised I would do lunch. So I couldn't say I had eaten on advance because this was planned. I tried to say I wasn't hungry but my friend made me split a burger with him. I ate half and then purged half. I hate purging but the anxiety that takes over my body after I eat is unbearable. I estimate my calorie intake today to be about 500. I'm so mad at myself. I'm def not going to reach my goal weight. Ughh

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Friday, July 2, 2010

my first official fast

I read a lot about you ladies doing fasts and I really think I'm in desperate need of one. So tomorrow a fast it is. I'm going to allow myself water, unsweetened cranberry juice, and one protein powder scoop but staying under 300 calories no matter what! I need to be 112 by Monday!

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Thursday, July 1, 2010

In the end, MIA always wins

I was a good girl all day. And then I got hungry. I was at the grocery store and I don't know how but I ended up leaving with all my fruits and veggies and veggie patties and double stuffed Oreos. Whatttt?? Oreos? Yup. I ate 8. I purged approximately 5. Or at least that was what it looked like to me. Damnit! That is all I have to say. MIA won. I hate when she wins.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

two pounds away

Down to 113.6 this morning. I am happy but I feel like its too good to be true. I don't know I just sat around all day yesterday doing nothing and I still ate 500 calories and still lost 2 pounds? I drank a ton of water too. I'm a bit skeptical. Today's calories intake 550. If I am still in the 113's tomorrow I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Just weighed myself tonight and 114.6. Holla! Calorie intake for the day: 540. Yes good news. Bad news I basically sat around on my ass all day watching tv and sleeping. More good news, I am so stuffed up that I can't taste anything, thus my will to eat is minimal. Stay in the 114's tomorrow! Fingers crossed.

on my deathbed

Good news, I am down to 115 again. Thank god I got rid of that pizza weight. Bad news, I am soo unbelievably sick. I am coughing, have a sore throat, an ear infection. If doesn't get much worse than this. I hate being stuck in the house all day bored because I just want to eat. I have only eaten 100 cals today and will prob have something easy to swallow like soup for dinner. I will write more when I am feeling better. Hopefully that is soon.

And 3 pounds to go, 5 days...

Sunday, June 27, 2010


So my hubby made me a bet. He bet me that I can't be 112 pounds by Monday. If I don't make weight I have to take dog walking/waking-up-at-7-am-to-feed-them duty for an entire month! Efff that! I ended up eating a little bit tonight because I was at work and I was starved and I knew if I didn't eat something healthy I would do something dumb so I ate a 400 calorie meal. I then freaked out and purged most of if in the bathroom but then some people came in and I can't purge quietly with people in the stall next to me. So anyway I still think tonight is s fail because I came home and the scale said 2 pounds then what I need it to say.

7 days...

5 pounds...

OMG I am going to need some serious restriction, Tomorrow:

B- fat free cottage cheese and egg whites- 115
L- protein shake (before gym)- 120
D- veggies burgers -160
broccoli- 60
S- sugar free jello and fat free cool whip 50

pizza is my emeny

Last night was bad. Very bad. As bad as it gets. I went to a wine festival. Afterwards my fiance thinks it would be a good idea to get pizza. Enough said. I gained 2 pounds. I'm up to 117. Liquid fast all day today. Protein whey powder and water.

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Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday night at the gym

So I got off work tonight and none of my friends were really doing anything. I had eaten about 20 jelly bellys at work and was feeling super guilty about it. I mean I finally reached 115 this morning and I didn't want to screw it up by going back to 116 bc of some stupid (but yummy) jelly beans. So, the only logical thing to do was to go to the gym. I was really surprised my gym (which is so awesome bc its open 24 hours) was busier then I though it would be on a Friday night at 11 pm. I'm really becoming obsessed with losing weight and running my 5 miles. I love it though! 114 tomorrow?? I wish!

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great news

Great news ladies! I finally, after days of restricting and plateauing, have reached 115. Not 115.5 or 115.8 but just good ol 115.0. I am so happy to reach my mini goal. Only 3 pounds to go to my next goal. I need to be 112 by Monday. Wish me luck!

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

bikini wax

I'm finally going to do something that I've been wanting to do for forever. I'm going to get a bikini wax! I can't believe I'm going to pay someone $40 to rip out my coochey hairs! I'm super excited though. Its going to hurt like hell but it will be worth it.

Anyway 116.0 this morning. OMG I'm almost there. I hope to god I'm 115 by tomorrow. I need to be 112 by next week. I am eating under 500 until I see 112. I don't care if I have to go to the gym and only walk my 5 miles. I WILL do 5 miles. I WILL eat under 500. I WILL be 112 pounds by next week!! Tomorrow's meal plan:

B- fat free cottage cheese 80
Starbucks tall iced skinny latte extra shot 60
L- morning star veggie pattie 80
wheat bun 70
fresh pineapple 80
D- granola bar 90
steamed veggies 35

Total = 495 calories

Starve on ladies <3

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Well 116.4 this morning. Looks,like I have hit a good ol fashioned plateau. I am thankful that after the cupcake I still lost a half pound. I went to the gym this morning but woke up late so it was only a quick 250 cal workout. And its only 3 pm and I've already reached my cal intake limit for the day. Oh well I have no one to blame but myself. Looks like water and green tea for dinner!

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

mini cupcake

I tried today I really did I promise. I wish I could tell you I did well today, but that would be a big fat lie.

L- 260

1000 calories today. I really sucked. I worked out for an hour and a half though and burned 600+ calories. I lifted too but unfortunately that doesn't burn a lot of calories. The 250 calories snack was a mini red velvet cupcake that my roommate had in the fridge. I didn't want to eat it but I am blaming this one on good 'ol aunt flow. I just needed something sweet. I only had one even though there are many more in there. And I heated it up and the icing was all melting and I have to admit, it was AMAZING. But all that hard work at the gym. The 5 miles I ran, all for nothing. I'm pathetic. I am never going to look good in this new bikini.

I'm sorry to complain this is just the only place I can go to gripe about my weight because everyone else I complain to just says "shut up you're so tiny" but they just don't understand the anxiety and panic that comes with eating more than my allotted amount of calories. Thank you ladies for listening.

And ZEN: thank you for always commenting and making me feel like I am not alone in this.

my scale is sabotaging me

So as you know my goal was to be 115 lbs by yesterday. You also know that when I woke up I was 116.2. Not great but I accepted it and figured I would work really hard yesterday and get down to 115 by today.

So I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate about 800-900 Cals. More than I wanted to eat but that's ok because I ran. Today I get on the scale and it says 116.8. What!?? How is that possible!? I don't understand. I mean I had a lot of sodium last night and I'm getting my period tomorrow but still. I'm so upset. I feel discouraged. I want to see 115. I NEED to see 115. I guess I just need to try harder. The only way to know for sure that I will lose is to stay under 500 cals no matter what.

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Monday, June 21, 2010


I was 116.2 this morning. So close to my goal of 115! I'll post more later I just wanted to let you all know.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I was 116.4 when I woke up this morning. Fuck. I knew those fries would make me gain. I had a great day today. Avoided all sorts of cookies and hotdogs at the bbq today (which I love on the grill but said I hated). I did great except for a serving of chips, guacamole, and cheese. I really hope I am still at 116 tomorrow morning.

Under 500 tomorrow no matter what. My short term goal is to be 115 by Monday morning so all I have is tomorrow. I really hope I can do it. Goals:

115 by 6/21
112 by 6/28
110 by 7/5 (cruise day)

God help me!

Friday, June 18, 2010


I was so good all day today! I had Starbucks (90) for breakfast and then ordered a bean burger for lunch from work (350) and ate half for lunch then had the other half for dinner. I was feeling great I was down to 115.6 this morning and I just got cockey tonight and ate like 10 french fries (200) and a few chips (100) and a bite of a brownie with icecream (200). My total for the night is roughly 1000 today which isn't bad except I wasn't able to work out and I just feel huge. I got on the scale tonight and it said 118.6. OMG. I want to die. I'm staying under 500 tomorrow no matter what. Hope your days were better than mine :/

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

oh and..

My ultra short term goal is to be 115 by monday morning (6/21). That gives me 2 weeks to lose another 8 pounds.

ugh I'm an idiot

So I was great all day today I had:

a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch (300)
2 glasses of wine (200)
2 straight vodka shots (200 which were forced upon me)
2 mini corn bread muffins (104 also forced upon me)

And then I came home... kinda drunk

1 quesadilla made with 2 pieces fat free swiss cheese and salsa (190)
100 calories bag of popcorn (100)

A grand total of 1100 calories... WTF!!! I hate alcohol thats why I never drink.

How am I going to get to 108 pounds in 19 days if I keep eating like a cow ????

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

lacking energy

I am experiencing a serious lack of energy today. I ate about 250 calories all day and then went to the gym and during my second mile I felt like I was going to die! I felt really weak, my arms felt heavy and I felt sick. I kept running though. I am just used to being able to run 5 miles without a problem but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway today I had around 900 calories again and I only burned 400. Fuuuck. Thats too much! I have to do better tomorrow. I really have to.


117.8 lbs this morning yayy. I'm still losing. Tomato soup for breakfast/lunch (180) and 2 hours at the gym. I'll post more later.

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Monday, June 14, 2010


Every time I go to put food in my mouth I just keep telling myself that I am going to be the fastest girl on the cruise. In fact I might be the reason the ship sinks because it won't be able to support my fat ass.

Yesterday I only had 520 Cals and today I had around 900. Way on the high side today but I also ran 5 miles so I'm not too worried about it. My stomach is also growling right now so I guess I didn't do too much damage.

I'm starting to hear that ana voice in my head again. Whenever I go to take a bite of food I hear "sure you wanna eat that fat ass" or today for example I had 5 French fries at work (it was my breakfast and lunch) and then when I was at the gym running the voice kept saying "oh yea you wanna stop? maybe you shouldn't have eaten those fries blubber butt"

Well at least this morning I was down to 118 lbs. I hope I still lose tomorrow even though I ate those fries. I know its water weight but it still feels so good when you look down and see a lower number then yesterday. Anyway starve on my loves.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Well thank you ladies for the nice comments. I know I'm not the best writer but I'm going to try to make this a little more interesting so maybe more people will read it. Its saturday night and I am home alone. I could go to dinner or go get drinks with friends but that all involves ingesting calories. So instead I am home by myself like a loser and feeling quite depressed about it. I was thinking about going to the movies by myself but I think that would make me even more depressed.

So my fiance decided to take me on a cruise. Yayy. Now I really have to lose 10 pounds or I'm going to look like a beached whale. Were leaving in like 23 days so that is an average of 3 pounds a week. I lost 10 pounds in a week in a half earlier this year so I know I can do it. I think I'm going to need some fast days though. As always though I will keep you all updated.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


As much as I am going to be so embarassed to post these pictures I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway. Haa. So here goes nothing. This is me in all my 120 pounds of fatness.

Ughh look at the belly pouch and love handles.

My fat ass.

Front view isn't so bad...if I were 6 months prego!

So hopefully I will post more at 110 pounds and then at 100 (if and when I get there).

Monday, June 7, 2010

pictures tomorrow

So I just got a new phone and I'm trying to figure out how to upload these pictures I took of myself but for some reason its not working. Oh well. I guess I'll post tomorrow so you can all see me in all my glorious fatness.
Anyway, I tried to be a good little ana today but the fat girl won. I ate some cheese, crackers, and pepperoni for dinner. Sigh...

This is why I'm 121 and not 105. If I can just be good for one week I know I will start to see results and that will be enough to motivate me. Anyway, pics tomorrow I promise.

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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Falling behind

And 121 again. I was doing so well I was down to 118 and then I got excited and started eating like crap again. Today included. I ran a 10k this morning. Which is great yes, but afterwards I ate 2 pieces of french toast and then for dinner I had 2 pieces of pizza (home made with fat free cheese and lots of tomato sauce) and, this is the worst part, not 1 but 2 cinnabons. At least 1500 cals for the day. I need to feel motivated again. Anyone want to do an ABC or some kind of competition?? Please, I need some help here!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Back from the Beach

Hello! I'm back from the beach and oh my was it terrible. More terrible than I could have imagined. All of my girlfriends that I went with are around my height and my same weight, except we all carry it differently. Of course, I carry my weight in my stomach and thighs. I have a very small upper body. Skinny arms ( I can see all my veins) and I have always been able to see my collar bone. My hip bones however have only shown at one period in my life and that was when I was 105 pounds. My girlfriends, however, are more proportioned so when I put on a bathing suit I was definitely the fat ass. Literally, my ass was the fattest. Uggghh.

To make it worse, of course I starved myself all day like I always do and normally it is fine and I can handle it butttt of course I practically binge drank so I drunk ate twice and don't remember it. Chicken cheese steaks and pizza. FML. Miraculously I didn't gain any weight. Not a single pound! When I left I weight 119 and came home and I still weight 119. Thank god!

Well anyway, today was ok.

b- Fiber one bar- 90 cals
l-chicken sand - 230 cals
veggies- 35 cals
low fat ranch - 70 cals
d- grilled cheese - 400 cals (bad bad very bad)
raw green bell pepper and fat free ranch - 60 cals

Total 885 cals. Sooo bad!

I ran 3 miles too, but I don't subtract my workout calories because I don't think food should be my reward.

Tomorrow's goal is under 700 and run 3 miles.

Friday, May 28, 2010

50 cent what?

Just a little side note, apparently 50 cent lost like 50 pounds in 9 weeks by starving himself and working out like crazy. Check this out. If he can so it, why the hell can't we??

being the tiny one

I've always been the smallest of all my friends. The lightest. The prettiest. But lately I've noticed that I'm just not the smallest or the lightest anymore. Actually, most of my friends are my size. My "normal" size. And if I am the smallest its because of my height, certainly not because of my weight. I hate not being tiny!! I hate being chubby. I hate feeling the fat on my body. Like I'm in a fat suit and the real me is just begging to escape. I want to be a teeny, tiny, miniature version of the person I am now. I will be so small once I lose 15 or 20 pounds! I will be the smallest, tiniest version of me ever! When I was down to 105 lbs one of my best friends used the phrase "You are so tiny! You almost look anorexic!" Ahhh, music to my ears! I just keep letting those words play over and over and over again in my head. I am better than everyone else because I don't need food to survive. Motivation. Thinspiration. Starve on.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

2 good days, kind of

Well yesterday I did great! I ran errands all day and didn't eat anything until 5 o'clock and it was just a mixed green salad with avocado and a tiny bit of fat free ranch. I went to the movies and didn't even have any candy at all! And then my fiance made me have a drink and he ordered pizza. I said I wasn't going to have any but I got drunk and ate 2 slices! Not one but two! That ruined my day. Today has been good so far. Just a small salad no dressing and half a turkey sandwich only turkey and bread.

I'm going to the beach this weekend with some girl friends. Two terrible things are going to happen. First, I am going to have to get into a bathing suit. I look terrible right now when I am nekkid (as zen would say). I have cottage cheese thighs and butt. I want to cry just thinking about it. Second, I am going to have to drink a lo of alcohol because that is what people do on vacay with friends from college! Ughh kill me now.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

its official

It is official. I am fat! I know this because Sherry, a contestant on the biggest loser, weighs less than me!! What the hell!!

day one

So far day one has been great. The thing with ana is, if anyone can relate, I either feel it or I don't. I mean really, really feel the passion and the desire to starve. When the feeling of hunger is what I dream of. The way my weak muscles beg me to stop after running mile after mile. Feeling my hands shake when I'm trying to type or the thought of 500 calories being way to much. That is when ana is strongest. And then there are periods of time when I am weak. When hunger pains make me feel sick. When the thought of eating 1200 calories seems to little for such an athletic person like me. When skipping breakfast or dinner is just unacceptable because I know it is unhealthy and my metabolism will slow. Those are the times when ana is the weakest. And I really hate it when ana is at her weakest.

But now she is at her strongest. So far, 400 calories for the day and I just ran 4 miles. The rest of today, I will consume iced tea and water. I don't feel hungry yet and I'm mad about that. That means I ate too much at lunch because I ate at 1:30 and it is now 6 oclock so I really should be hungry. Damnit!

This morning's weight is: 12o lbs :( I am a disgusting fat cow

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's been a lonnng time

It's been over a month since I've written. During that time I managed to gain every pound I had lost. I am now back up to my high weight of 123 pounds. I am disgusting. I can't stop eating. I can't say no to food. I hate myself. Back to ana since that seems to be the only way I can lose weight. Healthy eating doesn't work for me. If I don't have any followers, thats ok. I am doing this for me and if you want to be a part of my journey, then the more the merrier!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

been awhile

I ahven't blogged in awhile I know. I'm really depressed. I'm still fat. I feel like crap. And i really need to go shopping but told myself I wouldn't until I got to at least 110 pounds. And I'm still 116 and I can't stop eating!! I just eat for taste, not for hunger. And after I'm done eating I still feel unsatisfied. I need more will power. Womp Womp. I suck!

Thursday, April 8, 2010


The past couple days have been good. I was at 114 this morning and am at 116 tonight. I did mini binge tonight on baked chips and salsa but immediately purged (which really hurt coming back up) and not my tummy is growling again and its 10 pm and I am in bed and won't feed it. Tomorrow I have my whole breakfast, lunch, and dinner packed which totals 500 calories. Its my bag of tricks literally. I have:

B-Yogurt (80) + 1/4 cup kashi mixed in (35)= 115
L- Turkey (60) + 1/2 wrap (60) + apple (60) + fruit cup (25)=205
D- Carrots (70) + rice cakes (60) + a little bit of ff honey mustard (50)= 180

For a grand total of 500. Seems like a lot of food though I know but only 500.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I am definitely losing my patience with this whole weight loss thing. I just want to see the numbers go down!! I was a pound less today than I was yesterday but I just hate my jiggly wiggly fat. Today I ate around 800 calories. Still too much! And I didn't exercise at all. Tomorrow will be much better and I will go to the gym before work too. Ahh sigh...

Monday, April 5, 2010

over 500

So I was and still am aiming to stay under 500, but zen made a good point when she asked if I was running this much last year because I surely wasn't. I wasn't even exercising at all actually. For example, I wanted to stay under 500 today and I started out well having a starbucks drink (140 calories which I probably should have skipped) and a power bar (240 calories) because I knew I was going for a big run today.

For dinner I planned on having a salad with low fat dressing. I went to the gym and ran 8 miles which took me roughly 90 minutes (due to a couple walk breaks). That burns a little over 800 calories. By the time I sat to have dinner I was so hungry I thought I was going to throw up. I ate my salad (with 150 calories of dressing) and also had 2 oz of wheat bread with goat cheese (250 calories).

So my total for today is 780 calories which is less than I burned today so I guess I am ok with that. But since zen did mention that I guess I should keep it mind its going to be really hard to eat under 500 cals if I am running 5+ miles a day.

I'm just worried because my weight is up to 120 pounds! I need to lose weight and I need to do it fast! My goal is 15 pounds this month. I am reading some good new ana books too so hopefully I will be inspired.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


So I was looking back on my food log from a few months ago (December to be exact) when I had lost 10 pounds in a little less than 2 weeks. I was down to 106 pounds! I was so skinny. People at work told me I looked anorexic (if they only knew...). So anyway, I was eating under 500 everyday, no exceptions, not even on christmas. I was also purging which is really bad and I don't want to revert back to that. On some days though I only ate 200 calories.

So, I am really sick of hating my body. I feel like people are always staring at my fat and watching it jiggle. I just bought 3 new ana books so I am going to read them and use them as inspiration.

Oh and today I did really well. Under 700 for the day. Still 116 pounds though. Grrr. 11 pounds to go then shopping spreeee!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

700 and 115

Short post because I'm exhausted. Ran 7 miles today!! Yayy me that's 700 calories burned. I have eaten roughly 600 calories total thus far. I am going out to dinner with the hubby tonight but he just wants to get some appetizers and I will probably get a salad because that's what I always get.

Anyway the scale at the gym said 115. Thank god! I don't want to cross it off until I see it for 3 straight days so I know it's true.

That's all for now ladies. Starve on my loves.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


BTW I was 116 this morning. After this semi-binge, I will probably be 117. My mini goal is 115 by the end of the month (inspired by eedee). Its a small victory, but it counts. I just want to be the skinny girl!


Today started off really good! I had a fat free yogurt and a banana (160 cals) for breakfast. For lunch a turkey and veggie wrap (228 cals). And thennn disaster. The fiance asked me to make these fat free brownies that I make sometimes using vanilla yogurt (120 calories and 0 grams of fat per brownie). That means I had to go to the grocery store. Disaster ensues. Needless to say I ate bacon. Only 1.5 pieces but still, BACON!?! Ohh my. I made the brownies and licked the spatula. FML... Today is a bust. Tomorrow morning, gym and 600 calories!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

home alone

I love days when I'm home alone because I can not eat/eat in my own weird way and no one bugs me! Tonight I am taking a kickboxing class which should be fun and a little harder than my last class. I am going to wear my heart monitor tonight to see how many calories I burn. I ate more than I wanted to today but it was all healthy stuff and I was just starving! And my weight this morning was 116! I hope it sticks.

B- kashi cereal with skim milk = 100
banana = 80
L-turkey sandwich = 150
peach fruit cup = 25
granola bar = 100
D- subway sub, 1/2 the bread taken off = 180

total roughly 665. More than 500 but I will burn it off at kickboxing tonight.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

kicking ass, or getting my ass kicked

I worked out hard core today! Took a 3 mile jog then did an hour long weight training class with some friends. The instructor said you burn about 500 cals but I don't believe him. I mean I worked hard and felt my muscles burn worse than I have ever felt before, but I think it was more like 300 cals. Plus the 300 I burned running. Anddd we went and got sushi after and I only ate 1 roll (but ordered 2 like everyone else and took one home for the hubby). And all day I had only consumed 400 cals.

So, B/L= 400
D= 360

Minus calories burned 600?? So my grand total is 160ish!! Yayy me.

biggest loser

So a bunch of ladies at my work are doing this biggest loser competition in which everyone puts in $20 and for a month you try to lose as much weight as you can and whoever loses the most according to body percentage gets the money.

This can be good and bad. Good because competition is great motivation for me to lose weight but at the same time since my way of losing weight will result in me losing a lot in a little bit of time I'm not sure I want everyone knowing my weight on a weekly basis. Some of the girls at work give me enough shit as it is saying how they never see me eat and blah blah (obviously I do eat because I'm a fat cow).

Anyway we will see I guess!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Found out

Oh crap I'm in trouble. I was up late the other night reading every one's blogs and I must have left a web page up or something and my fiance saw it. He said something to me last night when I was drunk and I ignored him. All he said was "I saw some web page you had up about starving yourself." I just acted like I didn't know what he was talking about but crap, crap, crap! Now I have to be extra careful and make sure to eat around him. Shit.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

weight gain

This sucks! I am training for a marathon that is in the last week of April and I've been running a lot. Between 3 and 6 miles a day, 5 days a week. On the upside, I am burning a shit ton of calories. The down side, I'm gaining weight. I am currently at 120 despite my efforts to restrict. Since I am burning so many calories I am so incredibly hungry! I crave carbs all the time. I have to eat carbs to give myself energy. It sucks. I also have most likely gained muscle. I really just need to eat before I run then eat fruits and veggies after and that's it!! Any advice, please let me know!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Been awhile

Its been a few days since I've posted. Sorry about that ladies! I've just been embarassed by my lack of will power. I looked at the scale last week and it said 119 pounds! That was entirely too close to my high weight and I freaked out. I'm pretty upset with myself right now but the past few days I have been under 700 so I feel a little bit better. I'm down to 116. Its still 11 pounds away from my April 1st goal weight. Sighh...

This girl that I work with lost 15 pounds in what seemed like a week. When I asked her how she did it she told me she just stopped eating... Ehh at least she's honest! And I'm so jealous.

Well 11 pounds, 21 days. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

whole foods

I made my first trip to whole foods today! It was good because they have these organic kids cliff bars that are packed with vitamins and minerals and only 120 calories. My favorite flavor is chocolate brownie. It is sooo good and I eat half to get my chocolate fix on days I feel like im going insane. Its better than eating real chocolate. At least it has vitamins and oats and stuff. I also got a box of yogi tea which is soo yummy and calorie free!

On the down side since the store focuses on things that are organic, not much of it it fat free or low fat. I did pick up some fat free frozen yogurt. Its not a store I would shop at every day but once and awhile is nice.

I went to the gym today. Still 115 pounds! Ughh. Oh well I will just keep trying hard.

I also read in an article that to get the contestents to lose weight on the biggest loser they take their weight and multiply it by 6 and that is how many calories they should be eating. So, using this formula 115 x 6 = 690. Therefore, I should not ever ever ever go above 690 calories. If theose overweight people can restrict and eat only 6 times their body weight then I can too! Also, they are working out like 8 hours a day and they are probably eating around 1800 calories, but since they are used to eating like 4000 I'm sure it is kind of hard for them.

Well hope you ladies are having a wonderful day! Stay strong amd starve on!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I have been really really sick. I finally broke down and went to the doctor and got some meds. I'm starting to feel better but I still have a terrible cough and sore throat. I haven't been to the gym since Thursday. Yikes! I'm defiantely going tomorrow.

Since I've been sick I haven't been eating that much but I also have been sleeping and laying around so I haven't lost any weight. Today was good though because I worked all morning. Even though it was slow at least I was moving around. I just can't wait to quit my job and go back to school so I'm not surrounded by food every day! I am only weak when I'm at work and the smell of food is extremely tempting when one is starving! For those of you that are curious, I graduated from college last year with my BA in communications. I applied to law school a few months ago. I haven't heard back yet but I have my fingers crossed!

Anyway, today consisted of:

B- Tuna = 70 cals
low fat mayo, 1 tbs = 15 cals
rice cake = 45 cals
S- Baby carrots = 35 cals
L- Protein bar = 170 cals
D- Sushi = 300 cals

Total = 635 calories

21 days til spring and then I will be in real trouble if I'm not down to 105 pounds!!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Short post

So today has been good. I am exhausted from being sick but I still went to he gym and just did a little elliptical burning 250 or so calories. I also realized I haven't posted my weight in awhile. It's partially because my weight hasn't changed much. I was at 114.5 lbs today but it tends to fluctuate between a few pounds. Until I see 110 lbs I won't be happy.

Today I ate:
B-1/2 turkey sandwhich with vinegar = 105 cals
10 baked chips with salsa = 130 cals
L-protein water = 30 cals
D-boca burger = 70 cals
bun = 100 cals
veggies = 100 cals

Total for today 535 calories. Very good!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm glad to be sick

So the past couple days I've had a really sore throat. Tonight for dinner my fiance's mom wants to to Chinese food which benefits me in 2 ways. First, I hate Chinese food and my fiance knows that and so I am never forced to eat it. Second, I said my throat was so sore that I just wanted to bring a can of soup to have for dinner (Healthy request soup at 60 cals a serving and so yummy!)

So for today my plan was slightly modified since I'm not forced to eat such a high calorie content meal.

B- 2 rice cakes = 90 cals
turkey = 60 cals
L- Salad = 200 cals
S- 6 baked chips = 60 cals
salsa = 10 cals
guacamole = 30 cals
D- soup = 120 cals

Total 570 calories!

And I went to the gym but only burned 300 because I wasn't feeling well.

Overall a very good day. I'm going to take the advice of you lovely ladies and drink lots of water from now until dinner. I should do this anyway because I'm sick.

That's all for now! xoxo

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Rice cakes

Rice cakes! I forgot how delicious they are (Quaker white chedder is sooo yummy) and how low cal they are (45 cals). If I eat 2 rice cakes and drink a large water after I am good to go!

Tomorrow is a fresh start for me. One of my best friends and I agreed to lose 10 pounds by April 1st. So a little friendly competition is my motivation as well as my new favorite thinspo video which I have uploaded on my blackberry btw).

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I will be having:

Morning, gym -300 cals

B-2 rice cakes = 90 cals
L-Turkey = 60 cals
1/2 salad with fat free ranch = 60 cals
D-Mother-in-law's house for dinner = 500??

My total will be around 710 calories. Thats 200 calories over my limit but at least I'm going to the gym. Ughh maybe I will skip the turkey...

Thinspo video

Ok first I want to start and say that this video is totally not meant to be used as thinspo. This girl is in recovery and I hope she really does get better (although I still want to look like her so badly!) I might be going to hell for this but oh well!

This video really is my main source of thinspo right now because our lives are very similar. I have the same body type, played soccer my entire life. Thick thighs. Not fat but just thick with fat and muscle. Athletic looking.

She gets sooo skinny. 45 pounds in 2 months! Wow.

I just want to say for this girl's sake, I hope she gets well and takes care of herself. You can only recover if you are ready. For those of us that aren't ready, starve on.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I feel like a cow

The title says it all. I feel like a huge fat cow. I can't lose weight and that discourages me and then I binge. Ugh I just wish I had better self control.

I went grocery shopping today right after my workout and right after I had starved all day. Lets just say that didn't end well. I didn't binge too badly but I ate baked chips and salsa and a bagel with low fat cream cheese. Probably an intake of about 400 calories. I took the advice of flushed and I poured dish detergent on the cream cheese and shook it up. Now its a sudsy mess.

Ohh my poor pathetic life. The problem is I get adventurous and try to get things that are tasty and eat them in moderation except the fat girl inside me doesn't know what moderation means and she forces me to eat it all.

Tomorrow it is restrict, restrict, restrict. The month of March is going to be called "Operation Get Skinny or Die Trying." 10 pounds by April 1st. I WILL DO THIS!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sunday funday

Tomorrow is Sunday Funday. While most of my friends refer to it as this because they drink all day, I refer to it as this because I a) sleep in b) work out and c) restrict without anyone noticing. I am not forced to eat on Sundays because I tell the fiance I am eating at work and tell those at work that I "am soo sick of the food here! I ate at home." But since apparently fasting makes me gain weight (seriously wtf...) I am going to eat a bit before work and after working out to avoid a sneak attack from the french fry bin.

Tomorrow: gym 1 hour -400 calories

B- banana = 80 cals
L- boca burger = 70 cals
bread = 100 cals
veggies (1 cup) = 40 cals
D- apple = 80 cals
protein water = 30 cals

Total 400 calories. I better lose an 'effin pound!

Not a single pound

So Thursday and FridayI fasted all day and all night. By the time Friday night came around my friends had noticed I wasn't really eating so they forced me to eat a salad which I ordered dressing on the side and only ate half. I felt great! I thought I had to have lost weight. I didn't eat for two days!

Well today was weigh in day. Lo and behold... I didn't lose a single damn pound. Wtf!?? How is this possible? I don't understand. I feel so discouraged. I mean, I am supposed to get my period tomorrow but I never actually get my period even though I am on birth control. I haven't gotten my period regularly ever.

I don't think my period has anything to do with the reason I haven't lost weight. I feel like crap. Why can't I lose weight?? Any ideas please comment. I'm desperate here.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The ultimate thinspo

The ultimate thinspo for me? That fact that I want to be the thinspo! I look at these pictures of these skinny girls that I admire so much and I just think about how I want to be that girl that other girls look at, envy, and post pictures of. I want to be that girl that other girls say "omg I would die to look like her." Does that make me vain? Absolutely. But would I have an ED if I were secure in my own, blubbery skin? Probably not.


This is my first time fasting. Like seriously fasting on nothing but liquids for days. Right now I am so shaky! I guess thats a good thing? I'm sure this has happened to some of you before. What do you do? I drank a V8 and that seemed to help a little bit but it doesn't last long. I have to work all day tomorrow and I'm afraid that my hands will shake and I will drop a tray or something!

Anyway it's 7 pm here. The fast went well. I had a few peices of celery but since I drank some vegetable juice I figure it doesn't count haha. I was craving chips and I just wanted to feel that crunch. It helped a lot! I sprinkled a little salt on the celery and it totally cured my craving.

I'm really tired though. I feel drained and jello-y. Oh well I will go to bed soon enough!

Thats all for now. Stay strong ladies.

Liquid fast day 1

So I ate soo much last night. So much that my fiance was like "omg where are you putting all that food." It was kind of embarrassing actually because I feel so fat and not that he was calling me fat but he definitely noticed I was being a pig!

So in return I am liquid fasting all day today and tomorrow. These are the only two days I can fast because They are the only two days I can go without seeing my fiance during meal times. So its nothing but protein water, V8, and coffee for me! But I vow to stay under 200 cals anyway.

I also am not able to go to the gym today or tomorrow unfortunately so a liquid fast makes me feel better about being a lazy bum.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Still feeling bad

Sooo I'm still feeling like crap for all the crap that I ate today. And all the crap I will prob eat tomorrow at dinner. I am going to go to the gym for an extra 30 mins tomorrow and will burn 600 calories at least! Tomorrow I am having:

B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast = 70 cals
L- Salad with vinegar = 50 cals
D- Unknown

I also have my entire day planned out for Thursday which is a 400 calorie day.

Wake up, gym, and the dreaded weigh in (comeonnn 115!)

B- none
L- Turkey (3 oz) = 90 cals
Low-cal bread 1 slice = 45 cals
Spinach salad w/ dressing = 53 cals
S- Hot tea = 0 cals
D- Boca burgers (2) = 140 cals
Vegetables (1.5 cups) = 60 cals

Total 388 calories!

no carbs, not for me

Avoiding carbs is impossible! Even the smallest portion of ketchup has 4 grams of carbs! And I love ketchup. I mix it with mustard and put it on pretty much everything instead of bbq or ranch or anything else. I decided I would rather eat carbs and a have an apple than not have carbs and risk a binge. I lost all my weight a few months ago by keeping my calories under 500 every day and I can do it again.

Today didn't go quite as well as planned but it was ok.

B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast with mustard = 90 cals
L- Protein water = 30 cals
1/8 turkey sandwhich with honey mustard = 200
D- Caesar salad no dressing = 80 cals
String beans = 30 cals

The rest takes some explaining. I went to dinner with my friend and ordered a Caesar salad with the dressing on the side (which i didn't eat) and a crab cake with string beans. I ate the salad and vegetables and took the crab cake home. I was going to save it for my fiance but I lost control. I ate the crab cake and then I ate like 6 Oreo cookies. I immediately realized what I was doing and shoved the rest of the cookies in the garbage disposal and went upstairs and purged. The cookies and the crab cake added up to 600 calories or so.

Without the binge I was at 478 calories. If I would have just threw away the crab cake and avoided the cookies I would have easily stayed under for my ABC.

And tomorrow my fiance and I are going out for our valentines day dinner (we always go out a few days after). So I know there is no possible way to stay under 500. Not possible at all. I am just going to consider this a huge fail and re-start my ABC on Thursday when I am in complete control and have no excuses to go to dinner any time soon.

Hope everyone's day went better than mine! Stay strong ladies.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Feeling Fantastic

So today has gone exactlly as planned! Thanks for the motivation guys and feel free to steal my food list any time! It is 7:30 right now and I'm baking my chicken breast and boiling some eggs to have egg whites tomorrow. Staying under 30 grams carbs is harder than you think! Especially since I can't eat fruit and yogurt which is my favorite. I think I'm going to take a page out of the south beach diet book and steer clear of carbs for 2-3 weeks and then slowly introduce fruits into my diet.

Good News: I burned 400 cals at the gym today so with a calorie intake of 488, that means I only had an intake of 88 calories today. I always try to burn what I eat, but sometimes I just don't have time!

Bad News: I gained a pound :( 117 pounds today. Gross!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My goal for tomorrow

Maybe if I write down what I will eat tomorrow it will be easier to stick to my ABC!

Tomorrow is day 1 which is a 500 calorie day. My day will go like this...

B- Protein shake = 100 cals/6 carbs
S- Special K protein water = 30 cals/6 carbs
L- none
S- Boca Burger = 70 cals/6 carbs
D- Spinach raw = 13 cals/2 carbs
Sesame ginger dressing (2 tbs) = 45 cals/2 carbs
Chicken breast (5 oz) = 230 cals

Total = 488 calories and 22 grams carbs

Also I am going to the gym after work so I will prob burn around 300 cals. I'll update tomorrow.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels! Don't forget it ladies.

Sooo fat

My fiance and I hosted a party tonight and I ate sooo much! Partly because people would think it was odd that I wasn't eating or drinking (I don't drink alcohol much because I end up eating when I'm drunk always). I also ate because, hell, it was my party! So I had 3 pieces of pizza, buffalo chicken dip, and about 8 chocolate chip cookies! That was about 3 hours ago and I still feel nauseous.

Tomorrow starts abc!! So excited to feel an empty stomach. I also am still staying under 30 grams of carbs at least for a few days. My weight is slowly creeping up on me. I was at 116.3 yesterday. Yuck!! My pants are starting to get tight on me again and I can feel my belly jiggle growing.

I used to work with this girl who I still see all the time and she has always been very pretty but she used to be my size, maybe a little bigger and last year she lost like 20 pounds and everyone was always saying how good she looked. And then she lost another 10 pounds or so and now there are whispers that she might have an ED and I'm so jealous. I want people to whisper about me then I would know I was successful.

She's so skinny I want to be her!

Friday, February 12, 2010

A good day

Today was a good day. I worked from 10 am til 10 pm but I got up early and went to the gym. I didn't binge! I didn't eat any french fries at work and I'm starved right now! Victory. Today I had:

Gym: -250 cals

B- Luna bar = 120
L- Bean burger w/ guacamole = 325
S- Protein water = 30
D- 1/4 of a sub (3'') = 200

Total = 675 cals

I can still feel my tummy giggle and I hate it! But it just motivates me to work harder. Tomorrow starts my low carb plan. Lets see how it goes!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Protein, protein, protein

I picked up some Special K protein water today. Each packet has 30 calories, 5 grams of protein and 5 grams of fiber with only 6 grams carbs. I also picked up some muscle milk light chocolate flavor. This will satisfy my sweet tooth and it has only 100 calories, 15 grams protein, 3 grams of fiber and only 6 grams carbs. I also have read on various websites that if you stay under 30 grams of carbs your body will go into ketosis which means it will be forced to break down fat to gain energy but will not break down your lean muscle.

So I'm going to give this a try and see how it fairs. Wish me luck!

Research proves...

After I posted my last post I did some research online about the special k protein shake and found that they have a lot of sugar and carbs. No good. If I am going to do a liquid fast I don't want to be ingesting all those carbs!

Maybe what I should do is continue restricting and focus on eating and not carbs and try to put my body into ketosis which burns fat and not muscle. People say it is bad for you because once you start eating normal again you gain the weight back but lets be serious, I haven't eaten "normally" since I was 16 so...

Does anyone have any thoughts on ketosis or a liquid fast?

And P.S. After my recent few days of 900+ calories, my weight is still 115! Which is good I think I got my metabolism going so tomorrow when I really start restricting I will hopefully loose quickly. My goal is still to be at 110 pounds by Feb. 26th!

Liquid fast

I've been feeling really terrible about my lack of self control. You know when you get to that point where you start to think that you just don't have what it takes and you're never going to be skinny so you might as well just eat and be fat? Well that is precisely where I am.

About 2 months ago I went on vacation and before I went I restricted really hard. 500 cals a day and I didn't have any trouble doing it and I got down to 106 pounds. People started telling me I looked too skinny and my fiance actually told me I looked like I lost all my meat! I had so much strength. And now I can't even turn down a stupid old stale cookie that didn't taste good yesterday and definitely didn't taste good today.

So since the weekend is here it is easy for me to restrict since I work a lot and my fiance won't be around. If I can manage to walk to the grocery store today (my car is snowed in and I live in the city so its only a half mile to the nearest store) I am going to get Special K protein shakes, Special K vitamin water and V8 juice.

My plan is to do 2 protein shakes a day (190 cals each) and 2 V8 (50 cals). On days I have to eat I will have a small meal under 250 cals. Days I don't have to eat I'll have another protein shake if necessary and another V8. Either way I am under 700 cals. I will do this for at least 5 days or until I reach 110 since that is my short term goal. Anyone want to going me??

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Another bust

Today is another terrible day. Snowed in and surrounded by food. And no one is reading my blog...

B- 2 pancakes = 250
L- chicken quesadilla = 260
D- vegetables = 100
baked potato = 235
steak = 500

And a neighbor brought over cookies soooo a million calories...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

better but not quite

For some reason the past few weeks have been soo hard for me! I went to the gym today finally. I weighed in at 115.5. So depressing. To make it worse its snowing again! So I'll be stuck in the house for another 3 days surrounded by food and not able to get to the gym.

I was reading the new Harper's Bazar today and they are debuting all the spring clothing lines. I've been starving myself all winter to be super skinny for spring shopping and all I have lost is a measly 7 pounds!

Well this is my day today:
Gym -270 cals

B-Kid's Cliff Bar = 120 cals
L- Salad w/ dressing = 100 cals
Turkey 3 oz = 90 cals
D- Cheese quesadilla = 200
My "low cal" french toast = 115 cals
S-Special K fruit crisp = 100 cals

Total: 725 cals ( I don't subtract workout calories)

I want to try to stay under 700 but at least I came close! Thats all for now.

Monday, February 8, 2010

My 2 month plan

I found this website and made a plan to get to under 100 pounds by March 28th!

Week Calories Weight
1 773 113.43 lbs
2 758 111.1 lbs
3 743 108.77 lbs
4 729 106.44 lbs
5 714 104.11 lbs
6 700 101.79 lbs
7 685 99.46 lbs


I am feeling a little bit discouraged right now. I have been following the blog choke on air for some time now. Although she is much taller than me, her BMI when her weight was 134 is the same as mine is now. She began staying under 800 cals for a few months with frequent binges of 1000 or more calories. Somehow she managed to get down to 120 pounds over the holidays while admitting that she did binge quite often.

I don't get it! I exercise 6 days a week and always stay under 800 cals although sometimes a eat a fry or a piece of burger at work but I frequently purge after I do so. Why can't I lose weight?! maybe I am eating more than I think...

Anyone else feeling as worthless as discouraged as me? It makes me want to say fuck it and binge!

a new day

Well today is a new day. I love waking up in the morning knowing that whatever damage I did yesterday can be fixed today. So because of the snow I did not have to work today which is good because that means I get to be alone to a) blog and b) not eat.

I did get really hungry today around 2 pm so I had a banana and a boca burger. The fiance wants to make qusadillas for dinner. He knows how weird I am with food so I only use reduced fat cheese and salsa grilled between a tortilla with no butter but I am still not looking forward to it. I couldn't go to the gym again today either. It has been 3 days now!

This is my plan for today. And I WILL stick to it. No rewards and no slip ups.

B- none
L- banana 80
boca burger and roll 170
D-lettuce w/ fat free ranch 50
"quesadillas" w/ salsa 200

That totals 500 calories. I guess that is acceptable.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

fighting the urge and failing

I'm blogging from my cell right now because I need a distraction. Working in a restaurant and having an ED don't go well together.

I don't know if anyone else every feels this way but sometimes I feel so anxious because I want to eat normal. I want to pick up a french fry and not burst into tears or run to the bathroom and puke but I can't. I just physically can't. If I eat something that I have not given myself permission to eat I really freak out, for a lack of better words. But, if I give myself permission to eat real food then I feel ok when I do. I rarely give myself permission though.

So anyway I'm trying to convince myself not to eat a fry. They're sitting there calling my name saying "eat me, just one" but I won't do it. I won't give in because if I do I'll have to go throw up and that's hard to do at work.


I just want to add this side note and say that today has been a complete failure. I had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and some ice cream. Prob like 800 calories. I'm so disgusted with myself. Ughhh!

snowed in

So for those of you living on the east coast such as myself, you know that mother nature just dumped about 3 feet of snow on us, thus making it impossible for me to go anywhere. Not only that but the gym has been closed for the past 2 days!!

I ate wayyy over my limit yesterday. Not bad stuff, just normal stuff. Ugh! Today has been better so far. Granted it is only 12:30 in the afternoon here. This is my plan for today.

B- coffee and lots of it! Black of course with 3 Splendas = 5 cals
L- boca burger & mustard = 70 cals
spinach salad with 2 tbs fat free ranch = 50 cals
D- soup = 100 cals
banana = 80 cals

A grand total of 305 cals!

I also have set a new goal for myself. I am currently at 116 pounds but I need to be 108 by next Sunday! I know I can do it because I have before. Wish me luck!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

An introduction

I first of all want to begin by saying that this is not a pro-ana blog. It is simply a blog detailing my battle with food and with my own weight.

Am I anorexic? I'm not sure. That is something I feel I am not able to decide because it is not a choice and it is not up to me.

I am 23. I weigh 116 pounds. And I am not hungry...