Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
I'm at the gym right now treading away on the stairmaster. 500 calories burned 300 more to go. Calorie intake for the day 380. Dinner tonight is grilled chicken and salad at 7pm. Weight is down 3 pounds this week. I'm so hungry ladies. I'm just so hungry...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I have a complaint. When I first started blogging last year I was very selective in the blogs I read and followed. I wanted to follow people like myself. Women like me. Disordered and confused. I found a few blogs that I loved. I felt that I could really relate to you all and thus my quest to fit in begun. But lately I've noticed I get less and less blog updates. I feel lost again. Where has everyone gone??
Thursday, July 29, 2010
So not much has changed. My brother is in town and we have been going out to eat every day. I haven't been ordering bad stuff but it just sucks I can't really control my food. I think what I'm eating is healthy. I think I'm staying under 1k cals but the scale isn't moving so I guess I'm not doing as well as I think I am. he leaves Sunday so things will go back to normal then. Its just hard because I can't be like "oh salad and cottage cheese for dinner today little Bro" I just want to get back to normal!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Poop is all I can think about because its the one thing I can't do! Its becoming a very serious problem. I feel sick I think the toxins are sinking into my body if thats even possible. I need to take some laxies but I just hate how unpredictable they are. Sometimes I go like 2 hours after sometimes I go like 8 hours after. Oh well. I need to just give it a try.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Its not about losing weight anymore. Now, its about losing me. Losing myself, my fat self. Yes I can eat a bagel today and start my "diet" tomorrow but I'm sick of this. Sick of not having control of my own body. Sick of letting the fat girl inside me win win win. A few months ago I trained for a half marathon. Do you know how hard it is mentally to run 13 miles? If you don't I'll tell you. Its fucking hard! But I didn't listen to my body, I listened to my head and afterwards the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I did something 90% of the people I know wouldn't have the guts and strength to do, now that was an awesome feeling! So I can do this. I am in control.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Just a little side note. I am really proud of myself because I really wanted a bagel last night. I told myself if I woke up early I could stop and get one at dunkin donuts bc I always go there and get an iced coffee. So my plan was to go and get a bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and eat half and throw half away. So I woke up early and went and got in line and I ordered my coffee and then said "that's it". I didn't order the bagel. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm proud of myself! Hopefully mire to post later.
Monday, July 19, 2010
So I think part of the problem is that the first time I lost weight and got skinnyish I did it so quickly! Like in a matter of weeks. This ultimately led to weeks of binging as we all know will happen. The thing is this time around I need to be more patient. The weight will come off if I eat under 900. I know it will I just can't keep getting so frustrated! I give myself til Aug 1st to be 115 so that's 3 pounds from where I am now. I think if I keep setting these little goals for myself instead of obsessing over the big picture it will help. Starve on ladies.
Oh and BTW I am rereading Unwell by Leslie Lipton and it really is motivational!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I baked a cake from scratch for my mother-in-law's birthday yesterday. Good news, I didn't eat any food all day. Bad news, I ate like a pound of icing. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even see my hipbones any more. Ughh...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
I wish I could tell you ladies that I am losing but the fact is I have done the exact opposite. I have managed to balloon up to a whopping 121 pounds. Keep in mind that my ultimate high weight is 123 so I am only 2 pounds away from my high weight. Omg this is terrible!! Thankfully I ate great today 700ish calories. I was doing so well I can't believe vacation ruined everything. On a good note I am laying in bed and my stomach is growling so that means I am hungry. Yay.
I was watching the Oprah show today at the gym and they had this author on the show who wrote a book about women, god, and food. Now I am not a firm believer in the man upstairs but I did relate a lot to what these women were saying about food being comfort and eating for taste not for hunger. Eating until they feel so full they want to puke and then hating themselves afterwards. This is often how I feel after eating. Except, 2 main factors I feel separate me from these women. First of all, I feel like that even after eating a salad and a boca burger. No matter what I eat I am filled with an extreme amount of self loathing. Secondly, I am not going to sit back and let myself feel this way. I am going to DO something about it. I'm not going to let myself be just another 30 something woman 20 pounds overweight and eating my sorrows. I will starve and I will be thinner than everyone else because I am better and stronger then all those women out there. Starve in my loves!!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
New goal: get back down to my pre-vacation weight of 113 by July 24th. So that is 5 pounds and 2 weeks. I can definitely do that!
I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. Missed you girls. So glad to be home!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Well ladies this is my last post until I return from the Bahamas on Saturday. As you know I was striving to reach 112 by tomorrow morning. Well after a much needed bowel movement (sorry tmi) I weigh in at 114.2 in the middle of the day. I guess I'll take it. I know I am going to have to eat 3 meals a day since all food is included on the cruise. I just hope I don't gain more than 2 pounds. I'm going to work out every day and being in a bathing suit all day will really help discourage me from eating badly. Well love you girls. I'll miss you! Talk to you all Saturday <3
Saturday, July 3, 2010
So its kind of hard to do a liquid fast when you're at lunch with 5 other peoplevall of whom are eating. I forgot it is my friends birthday and I promised I would do lunch. So I couldn't say I had eaten on advance because this was planned. I tried to say I wasn't hungry but my friend made me split a burger with him. I ate half and then purged half. I hate purging but the anxiety that takes over my body after I eat is unbearable. I estimate my calorie intake today to be about 500. I'm so mad at myself. I'm def not going to reach my goal weight. Ughh
Friday, July 2, 2010
I read a lot about you ladies doing fasts and I really think I'm in desperate need of one. So tomorrow a fast it is. I'm going to allow myself water, unsweetened cranberry juice, and one protein powder scoop but staying under 300 calories no matter what! I need to be 112 by Monday!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
And 3 pounds to go, 5 days...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
OMG I am going to need some serious restriction, Tomorrow:
B- fat free cottage cheese and egg whites- 115
L- protein shake (before gym)- 120
D- veggies burgers -160
S- sugar free jello and fat free cool whip 50
Last night was bad. Very bad. As bad as it gets. I went to a wine festival. Afterwards my fiance thinks it would be a good idea to get pizza. Enough said. I gained 2 pounds. I'm up to 117. Liquid fast all day today. Protein whey powder and water.
Friday, June 25, 2010
So I got off work tonight and none of my friends were really doing anything. I had eaten about 20 jelly bellys at work and was feeling super guilty about it. I mean I finally reached 115 this morning and I didn't want to screw it up by going back to 116 bc of some stupid (but yummy) jelly beans. So, the only logical thing to do was to go to the gym. I was really surprised my gym (which is so awesome bc its open 24 hours) was busier then I though it would be on a Friday night at 11 pm. I'm really becoming obsessed with losing weight and running my 5 miles. I love it though! 114 tomorrow?? I wish!
Great news ladies! I finally, after days of restricting and plateauing, have reached 115. Not 115.5 or 115.8 but just good ol 115.0. I am so happy to reach my mini goal. Only 3 pounds to go to my next goal. I need to be 112 by Monday. Wish me luck!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Anyway 116.0 this morning. OMG I'm almost there. I hope to god I'm 115 by tomorrow. I need to be 112 by next week. I am eating under 500 until I see 112. I don't care if I have to go to the gym and only walk my 5 miles. I WILL do 5 miles. I WILL eat under 500. I WILL be 112 pounds by next week!! Tomorrow's meal plan:
B- fat free cottage cheese 80
Starbucks tall iced skinny latte extra shot 60
L- morning star veggie pattie 80
wheat bun 70
fresh pineapple 80
D- granola bar 90
steamed veggies 35
Total = 495 calories
Starve on ladies <3
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Well 116.4 this morning. Looks,like I have hit a good ol fashioned plateau. I am thankful that after the cupcake I still lost a half pound. I went to the gym this morning but woke up late so it was only a quick 250 cal workout. And its only 3 pm and I've already reached my cal intake limit for the day. Oh well I have no one to blame but myself. Looks like water and green tea for dinner!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
1000 calories today. I really sucked. I worked out for an hour and a half though and burned 600+ calories. I lifted too but unfortunately that doesn't burn a lot of calories. The 250 calories snack was a mini red velvet cupcake that my roommate had in the fridge. I didn't want to eat it but I am blaming this one on good 'ol aunt flow. I just needed something sweet. I only had one even though there are many more in there. And I heated it up and the icing was all melting and I have to admit, it was AMAZING. But all that hard work at the gym. The 5 miles I ran, all for nothing. I'm pathetic. I am never going to look good in this new bikini.
I'm sorry to complain this is just the only place I can go to gripe about my weight because everyone else I complain to just says "shut up you're so tiny" but they just don't understand the anxiety and panic that comes with eating more than my allotted amount of calories. Thank you ladies for listening.
And ZEN: thank you for always commenting and making me feel like I am not alone in this.
So as you know my goal was to be 115 lbs by yesterday. You also know that when I woke up I was 116.2. Not great but I accepted it and figured I would work really hard yesterday and get down to 115 by today.
So I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate about 800-900 Cals. More than I wanted to eat but that's ok because I ran. Today I get on the scale and it says 116.8. What!?? How is that possible!? I don't understand. I mean I had a lot of sodium last night and I'm getting my period tomorrow but still. I'm so upset. I feel discouraged. I want to see 115. I NEED to see 115. I guess I just need to try harder. The only way to know for sure that I will lose is to stay under 500 cals no matter what.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Under 500 tomorrow no matter what. My short term goal is to be 115 by Monday morning so all I have is tomorrow. I really hope I can do it. Goals:
115 by 6/21
112 by 6/28
110 by 7/5 (cruise day)
God help me!
Friday, June 18, 2010
I was so good all day today! I had Starbucks (90) for breakfast and then ordered a bean burger for lunch from work (350) and ate half for lunch then had the other half for dinner. I was feeling great I was down to 115.6 this morning and I just got cockey tonight and ate like 10 french fries (200) and a few chips (100) and a bite of a brownie with icecream (200). My total for the night is roughly 1000 today which isn't bad except I wasn't able to work out and I just feel huge. I got on the scale tonight and it said 118.6. OMG. I want to die. I'm staying under 500 tomorrow no matter what. Hope your days were better than mine :/
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch (300)
2 glasses of wine (200)
2 straight vodka shots (200 which were forced upon me)
2 mini corn bread muffins (104 also forced upon me)
And then I came home... kinda drunk
1 quesadilla made with 2 pieces fat free swiss cheese and salsa (190)
100 calories bag of popcorn (100)
A grand total of 1100 calories... WTF!!! I hate alcohol thats why I never drink.
How am I going to get to 108 pounds in 19 days if I keep eating like a cow ????
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Every time I go to put food in my mouth I just keep telling myself that I am going to be the fastest girl on the cruise. In fact I might be the reason the ship sinks because it won't be able to support my fat ass.
Yesterday I only had 520 Cals and today I had around 900. Way on the high side today but I also ran 5 miles so I'm not too worried about it. My stomach is also growling right now so I guess I didn't do too much damage.
I'm starting to hear that ana voice in my head again. Whenever I go to take a bite of food I hear "sure you wanna eat that fat ass" or today for example I had 5 French fries at work (it was my breakfast and lunch) and then when I was at the gym running the voice kept saying "oh yea you wanna stop? maybe you shouldn't have eaten those fries blubber butt"
Well at least this morning I was down to 118 lbs. I hope I still lose tomorrow even though I ate those fries. I know its water weight but it still feels so good when you look down and see a lower number then yesterday. Anyway starve on my loves.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
So my fiance decided to take me on a cruise. Yayy. Now I really have to lose 10 pounds or I'm going to look like a beached whale. Were leaving in like 23 days so that is an average of 3 pounds a week. I lost 10 pounds in a week in a half earlier this year so I know I can do it. I think I'm going to need some fast days though. As always though I will keep you all updated.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Ughh look at the belly pouch and love handles.
My fat ass.
Front view isn't so bad...if I were 6 months prego!
So hopefully I will post more at 110 pounds and then at 100 (if and when I get there).
Monday, June 7, 2010
So I just got a new phone and I'm trying to figure out how to upload these pictures I took of myself but for some reason its not working. Oh well. I guess I'll post tomorrow so you can all see me in all my glorious fatness.
Anyway, I tried to be a good little ana today but the fat girl won. I ate some cheese, crackers, and pepperoni for dinner. Sigh...
This is why I'm 121 and not 105. If I can just be good for one week I know I will start to see results and that will be enough to motivate me. Anyway, pics tomorrow I promise.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
To make it worse, of course I starved myself all day like I always do and normally it is fine and I can handle it butttt of course I practically binge drank so I drunk ate twice and don't remember it. Chicken cheese steaks and pizza. FML. Miraculously I didn't gain any weight. Not a single pound! When I left I weight 119 and came home and I still weight 119. Thank god!
Well anyway, today was ok.
b- Fiber one bar- 90 cals
l-chicken sand - 230 cals
veggies- 35 cals
low fat ranch - 70 cals
d- grilled cheese - 400 cals (bad bad very bad)
raw green bell pepper and fat free ranch - 60 cals
Total 885 cals. Sooo bad!
I ran 3 miles too, but I don't subtract my workout calories because I don't think food should be my reward.
Tomorrow's goal is under 700 and run 3 miles.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I'm going to the beach this weekend with some girl friends. Two terrible things are going to happen. First, I am going to have to get into a bathing suit. I look terrible right now when I am nekkid (as zen would say). I have cottage cheese thighs and butt. I want to cry just thinking about it. Second, I am going to have to drink a lo of alcohol because that is what people do on vacay with friends from college! Ughh kill me now.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
But now she is at her strongest. So far, 400 calories for the day and I just ran 4 miles. The rest of today, I will consume iced tea and water. I don't feel hungry yet and I'm mad about that. That means I ate too much at lunch because I ate at 1:30 and it is now 6 oclock so I really should be hungry. Damnit!
This morning's weight is: 12o lbs :( I am a disgusting fat cow
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
B-Yogurt (80) + 1/4 cup kashi mixed in (35)= 115
L- Turkey (60) + 1/2 wrap (60) + apple (60) + fruit cup (25)=205
D- Carrots (70) + rice cakes (60) + a little bit of ff honey mustard (50)= 180
For a grand total of 500. Seems like a lot of food though I know but only 500.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
For dinner I planned on having a salad with low fat dressing. I went to the gym and ran 8 miles which took me roughly 90 minutes (due to a couple walk breaks). That burns a little over 800 calories. By the time I sat to have dinner I was so hungry I thought I was going to throw up. I ate my salad (with 150 calories of dressing) and also had 2 oz of wheat bread with goat cheese (250 calories).
So my total for today is 780 calories which is less than I burned today so I guess I am ok with that. But since zen did mention that I guess I should keep it mind its going to be really hard to eat under 500 cals if I am running 5+ miles a day.
I'm just worried because my weight is up to 120 pounds! I need to lose weight and I need to do it fast! My goal is 15 pounds this month. I am reading some good new ana books too so hopefully I will be inspired.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
So, I am really sick of hating my body. I feel like people are always staring at my fat and watching it jiggle. I just bought 3 new ana books so I am going to read them and use them as inspiration.
Oh and today I did really well. Under 700 for the day. Still 116 pounds though. Grrr. 11 pounds to go then shopping spreeee!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Anyway the scale at the gym said 115. Thank god! I don't want to cross it off until I see it for 3 straight days so I know it's true.
That's all for now ladies. Starve on my loves.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
B- kashi cereal with skim milk = 100
banana = 80
L-turkey sandwich = 150
peach fruit cup = 25
granola bar = 100
D- subway sub, 1/2 the bread taken off = 180
total roughly 665. More than 500 but I will burn it off at kickboxing tonight.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So, B/L= 400
Minus calories burned 600?? So my grand total is 160ish!! Yayy me.
This can be good and bad. Good because competition is great motivation for me to lose weight but at the same time since my way of losing weight will result in me losing a lot in a little bit of time I'm not sure I want everyone knowing my weight on a weekly basis. Some of the girls at work give me enough shit as it is saying how they never see me eat and blah blah (obviously I do eat because I'm a fat cow).
Anyway we will see I guess!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
This girl that I work with lost 15 pounds in what seemed like a week. When I asked her how she did it she told me she just stopped eating... Ehh at least she's honest! And I'm so jealous.
Well 11 pounds, 21 days. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
On the down side since the store focuses on things that are organic, not much of it it fat free or low fat. I did pick up some fat free frozen yogurt. Its not a store I would shop at every day but once and awhile is nice.
I went to the gym today. Still 115 pounds! Ughh. Oh well I will just keep trying hard.
I also read in an article that to get the contestents to lose weight on the biggest loser they take their weight and multiply it by 6 and that is how many calories they should be eating. So, using this formula 115 x 6 = 690. Therefore, I should not ever ever ever go above 690 calories. If theose overweight people can restrict and eat only 6 times their body weight then I can too! Also, they are working out like 8 hours a day and they are probably eating around 1800 calories, but since they are used to eating like 4000 I'm sure it is kind of hard for them.
Well hope you ladies are having a wonderful day! Stay strong amd starve on!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Since I've been sick I haven't been eating that much but I also have been sleeping and laying around so I haven't lost any weight. Today was good though because I worked all morning. Even though it was slow at least I was moving around. I just can't wait to quit my job and go back to school so I'm not surrounded by food every day! I am only weak when I'm at work and the smell of food is extremely tempting when one is starving! For those of you that are curious, I graduated from college last year with my BA in communications. I applied to law school a few months ago. I haven't heard back yet but I have my fingers crossed!
Anyway, today consisted of:
B- Tuna = 70 cals
low fat mayo, 1 tbs = 15 cals
rice cake = 45 cals
S- Baby carrots = 35 cals
L- Protein bar = 170 cals
D- Sushi = 300 cals
Total = 635 calories
21 days til spring and then I will be in real trouble if I'm not down to 105 pounds!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today I ate:
B-1/2 turkey sandwhich with vinegar = 105 cals
10 baked chips with salsa = 130 cals
L-protein water = 30 cals
D-boca burger = 70 cals
bun = 100 cals
veggies = 100 cals
Total for today 535 calories. Very good!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
So for today my plan was slightly modified since I'm not forced to eat such a high calorie content meal.
B- 2 rice cakes = 90 cals
turkey = 60 cals
L- Salad = 200 cals
S- 6 baked chips = 60 cals
salsa = 10 cals
guacamole = 30 cals
D- soup = 120 cals
Total 570 calories!
And I went to the gym but only burned 300 because I wasn't feeling well.
Overall a very good day. I'm going to take the advice of you lovely ladies and drink lots of water from now until dinner. I should do this anyway because I'm sick.
That's all for now! xoxo
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tomorrow is a fresh start for me. One of my best friends and I agreed to lose 10 pounds by April 1st. So a little friendly competition is my motivation as well as my new favorite thinspo video which I have uploaded on my blackberry btw).
Tomorrow is Wednesday and I will be having:
Morning, gym -300 cals
B-2 rice cakes = 90 cals
L-Turkey = 60 cals
1/2 salad with fat free ranch = 60 cals
D-Mother-in-law's house for dinner = 500??
My total will be around 710 calories. Thats 200 calories over my limit but at least I'm going to the gym. Ughh maybe I will skip the turkey...
This video really is my main source of thinspo right now because our lives are very similar. I have the same body type, played soccer my entire life. Thick thighs. Not fat but just thick with fat and muscle. Athletic looking.
She gets sooo skinny. 45 pounds in 2 months! Wow.
I just want to say for this girl's sake, I hope she gets well and takes care of herself. You can only recover if you are ready. For those of us that aren't ready, starve on.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I went grocery shopping today right after my workout and right after I had starved all day. Lets just say that didn't end well. I didn't binge too badly but I ate baked chips and salsa and a bagel with low fat cream cheese. Probably an intake of about 400 calories. I took the advice of flushed and I poured dish detergent on the cream cheese and shook it up. Now its a sudsy mess.
Ohh my poor pathetic life. The problem is I get adventurous and try to get things that are tasty and eat them in moderation except the fat girl inside me doesn't know what moderation means and she forces me to eat it all.
Tomorrow it is restrict, restrict, restrict. The month of March is going to be called "Operation Get Skinny or Die Trying." 10 pounds by April 1st. I WILL DO THIS!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tomorrow: gym 1 hour -400 calories
B- banana = 80 cals
L- boca burger = 70 cals
bread = 100 cals
veggies (1 cup) = 40 cals
D- apple = 80 cals
protein water = 30 cals
Total 400 calories. I better lose an 'effin pound!
Well today was weigh in day. Lo and behold... I didn't lose a single damn pound. Wtf!?? How is this possible? I don't understand. I feel so discouraged. I mean, I am supposed to get my period tomorrow but I never actually get my period even though I am on birth control. I haven't gotten my period regularly ever.
I don't think my period has anything to do with the reason I haven't lost weight. I feel like crap. Why can't I lose weight?? Any ideas please comment. I'm desperate here.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Anyway it's 7 pm here. The fast went well. I had a few peices of celery but since I drank some vegetable juice I figure it doesn't count haha. I was craving chips and I just wanted to feel that crunch. It helped a lot! I sprinkled a little salt on the celery and it totally cured my craving.
I'm really tired though. I feel drained and jello-y. Oh well I will go to bed soon enough!
Thats all for now. Stay strong ladies.
So in return I am liquid fasting all day today and tomorrow. These are the only two days I can fast because They are the only two days I can go without seeing my fiance during meal times. So its nothing but protein water, V8, and coffee for me! But I vow to stay under 200 cals anyway.
I also am not able to go to the gym today or tomorrow unfortunately so a liquid fast makes me feel better about being a lazy bum.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast = 70 cals
L- Salad with vinegar = 50 cals
I also have my entire day planned out for Thursday which is a 400 calorie day.
Wake up, gym, and the dreaded weigh in (comeonnn 115!)
L- Turkey (3 oz) = 90 cals
Low-cal bread 1 slice = 45 cals
Spinach salad w/ dressing = 53 cals
S- Hot tea = 0 cals
D- Boca burgers (2) = 140 cals
Vegetables (1.5 cups) = 60 cals
Total 388 calories!
Today didn't go quite as well as planned but it was ok.
B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast with mustard = 90 cals
L- Protein water = 30 cals
1/8 turkey sandwhich with honey mustard = 200
D- Caesar salad no dressing = 80 cals
String beans = 30 cals
The rest takes some explaining. I went to dinner with my friend and ordered a Caesar salad with the dressing on the side (which i didn't eat) and a crab cake with string beans. I ate the salad and vegetables and took the crab cake home. I was going to save it for my fiance but I lost control. I ate the crab cake and then I ate like 6 Oreo cookies. I immediately realized what I was doing and shoved the rest of the cookies in the garbage disposal and went upstairs and purged. The cookies and the crab cake added up to 600 calories or so.
Without the binge I was at 478 calories. If I would have just threw away the crab cake and avoided the cookies I would have easily stayed under for my ABC.
And tomorrow my fiance and I are going out for our valentines day dinner (we always go out a few days after). So I know there is no possible way to stay under 500. Not possible at all. I am just going to consider this a huge fail and re-start my ABC on Thursday when I am in complete control and have no excuses to go to dinner any time soon.
Hope everyone's day went better than mine! Stay strong ladies.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Good News: I burned 400 cals at the gym today so with a calorie intake of 488, that means I only had an intake of 88 calories today. I always try to burn what I eat, but sometimes I just don't have time!
Bad News: I gained a pound :( 117 pounds today. Gross!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tomorrow is day 1 which is a 500 calorie day. My day will go like this...
B- Protein shake = 100 cals/6 carbs
S- Special K protein water = 30 cals/6 carbs
S- Boca Burger = 70 cals/6 carbs
D- Spinach raw = 13 cals/2 carbs
Sesame ginger dressing (2 tbs) = 45 cals/2 carbs
Chicken breast (5 oz) = 230 cals
Total = 488 calories and 22 grams carbs
Also I am going to the gym after work so I will prob burn around 300 cals. I'll update tomorrow.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels! Don't forget it ladies.
Tomorrow starts abc!! So excited to feel an empty stomach. I also am still staying under 30 grams of carbs at least for a few days. My weight is slowly creeping up on me. I was at 116.3 yesterday. Yuck!! My pants are starting to get tight on me again and I can feel my belly jiggle growing.
I used to work with this girl who I still see all the time and she has always been very pretty but she used to be my size, maybe a little bigger and last year she lost like 20 pounds and everyone was always saying how good she looked. And then she lost another 10 pounds or so and now there are whispers that she might have an ED and I'm so jealous. I want people to whisper about me then I would know I was successful.
She's so skinny I want to be her!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Gym: -250 cals
B- Luna bar = 120
L- Bean burger w/ guacamole = 325
S- Protein water = 30
D- 1/4 of a sub (3'') = 200
Total = 675 cals
I can still feel my tummy giggle and I hate it! But it just motivates me to work harder. Tomorrow starts my low carb plan. Lets see how it goes!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
So I'm going to give this a try and see how it fairs. Wish me luck!
Maybe what I should do is continue restricting and focus on eating and not carbs and try to put my body into ketosis which burns fat and not muscle. People say it is bad for you because once you start eating normal again you gain the weight back but lets be serious, I haven't eaten "normally" since I was 16 so...
Does anyone have any thoughts on ketosis or a liquid fast?
And P.S. After my recent few days of 900+ calories, my weight is still 115! Which is good I think I got my metabolism going so tomorrow when I really start restricting I will hopefully loose quickly. My goal is still to be at 110 pounds by Feb. 26th!
About 2 months ago I went on vacation and before I went I restricted really hard. 500 cals a day and I didn't have any trouble doing it and I got down to 106 pounds. People started telling me I looked too skinny and my fiance actually told me I looked like I lost all my meat! I had so much strength. And now I can't even turn down a stupid old stale cookie that didn't taste good yesterday and definitely didn't taste good today.
So since the weekend is here it is easy for me to restrict since I work a lot and my fiance won't be around. If I can manage to walk to the grocery store today (my car is snowed in and I live in the city so its only a half mile to the nearest store) I am going to get Special K protein shakes, Special K vitamin water and V8 juice.
My plan is to do 2 protein shakes a day (190 cals each) and 2 V8 (50 cals). On days I have to eat I will have a small meal under 250 cals. Days I don't have to eat I'll have another protein shake if necessary and another V8. Either way I am under 700 cals. I will do this for at least 5 days or until I reach 110 since that is my short term goal. Anyone want to going me??
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I was reading the new Harper's Bazar today and they are debuting all the spring clothing lines. I've been starving myself all winter to be super skinny for spring shopping and all I have lost is a measly 7 pounds!
Well this is my day today:
Gym -270 cals
B-Kid's Cliff Bar = 120 cals
L- Salad w/ dressing = 100 cals
Turkey 3 oz = 90 cals
D- Cheese quesadilla = 200
My "low cal" french toast = 115 cals
S-Special K fruit crisp = 100 cals
Total: 725 cals ( I don't subtract workout calories)
I want to try to stay under 700 but at least I came close! Thats all for now.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I don't get it! I exercise 6 days a week and always stay under 800 cals although sometimes a eat a fry or a piece of burger at work but I frequently purge after I do so. Why can't I lose weight?! maybe I am eating more than I think...
Anyone else feeling as worthless as discouraged as me? It makes me want to say fuck it and binge!
I did get really hungry today around 2 pm so I had a banana and a boca burger. The fiance wants to make qusadillas for dinner. He knows how weird I am with food so I only use reduced fat cheese and salsa grilled between a tortilla with no butter but I am still not looking forward to it. I couldn't go to the gym again today either. It has been 3 days now!
This is my plan for today. And I WILL stick to it. No rewards and no slip ups.
L- banana 80
boca burger and roll 170
D-lettuce w/ fat free ranch 50
"quesadillas" w/ salsa 200
That totals 500 calories. I guess that is acceptable.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I don't know if anyone else every feels this way but sometimes I feel so anxious because I want to eat normal. I want to pick up a french fry and not burst into tears or run to the bathroom and puke but I can't. I just physically can't. If I eat something that I have not given myself permission to eat I really freak out, for a lack of better words. But, if I give myself permission to eat real food then I feel ok when I do. I rarely give myself permission though.
So anyway I'm trying to convince myself not to eat a fry. They're sitting there calling my name saying "eat me, just one" but I won't do it. I won't give in because if I do I'll have to go throw up and that's hard to do at work.
I just want to add this side note and say that today has been a complete failure. I had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and some ice cream. Prob like 800 calories. I'm so disgusted with myself. Ughhh!
I ate wayyy over my limit yesterday. Not bad stuff, just normal stuff. Ugh! Today has been better so far. Granted it is only 12:30 in the afternoon here. This is my plan for today.
B- coffee and lots of it! Black of course with 3 Splendas = 5 cals
L- boca burger & mustard = 70 cals
spinach salad with 2 tbs fat free ranch = 50 cals
D- soup = 100 cals
banana = 80 cals
A grand total of 305 cals!
I also have set a new goal for myself. I am currently at 116 pounds but I need to be 108 by next Sunday! I know I can do it because I have before. Wish me luck!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Am I anorexic? I'm not sure. That is something I feel I am not able to decide because it is not a choice and it is not up to me.
I am 23. I weigh 116 pounds. And I am not hungry...