I've always been the smallest of all my friends. The lightest. The prettiest. But lately I've noticed that I'm just not the smallest or the lightest anymore. Actually, most of my friends are my size. My "normal" size. And if I am the smallest its because of my height, certainly not because of my weight. I hate not being tiny!! I hate being chubby. I hate feeling the fat on my body. Like I'm in a fat suit and the real me is just begging to escape. I want to be a teeny, tiny, miniature version of the person I am now. I will be so small once I lose 15 or 20 pounds! I will be the smallest, tiniest version of me ever! When I was down to 105 lbs one of my best friends used the phrase "You are so tiny! You almost look anorexic!" Ahhh, music to my ears! I just keep letting those words play over and over and over again in my head. I am better than everyone else because I don't need food to survive. Motivation. Thinspiration. Starve on.
Well yesterday I did great! I ran errands all day and didn't eat anything until 5 o'clock and it was just a mixed green salad with avocado and a tiny bit of fat free ranch. I went to the movies and didn't even have any candy at all! And then my fiance made me have a drink and he ordered pizza. I said I wasn't going to have any but I got drunk and ate 2 slices! Not one but two! That ruined my day. Today has been good so far. Just a small salad no dressing and half a turkey sandwich only turkey and bread.
I'm going to the beach this weekend with some girl friends. Two terrible things are going to happen. First, I am going to have to get into a bathing suit. I look terrible right now when I am nekkid (as zen would say). I have cottage cheese thighs and butt. I want to cry just thinking about it. Second, I am going to have to drink a lo of alcohol because that is what people do on vacay with friends from college! Ughh kill me now.
So far day one has been great. The thing with ana is, if anyone can relate, I either feel it or I don't. I mean really, really feel the passion and the desire to starve. When the feeling of hunger is what I dream of. The way my weak muscles beg me to stop after running mile after mile. Feeling my hands shake when I'm trying to type or the thought of 500 calories being way to much. That is when ana is strongest. And then there are periods of time when I am weak. When hunger pains make me feel sick. When the thought of eating 1200 calories seems to little for such an athletic person like me. When skipping breakfast or dinner is just unacceptable because I know it is unhealthy and my metabolism will slow. Those are the times when ana is the weakest. And I really hate it when ana is at her weakest.
But now she is at her strongest. So far, 400 calories for the day and I just ran 4 miles. The rest of today, I will consume iced tea and water. I don't feel hungry yet and I'm mad about that. That means I ate too much at lunch because I ate at 1:30 and it is now 6 oclock so I really should be hungry. Damnit!
This morning's weight is: 12o lbs :( I am a disgusting fat cow
It's been over a month since I've written. During that time I managed to gain every pound I had lost. I am now back up to my high weight of 123 pounds. I am disgusting. I can't stop eating. I can't say no to food. I hate myself. Back to ana since that seems to be the only way I can lose weight. Healthy eating doesn't work for me. If I don't have any followers, thats ok. I am doing this for me and if you want to be a part of my journey, then the more the merrier!