Monday, July 11, 2011

baby steps

I don't really have much to say. Is it possible to plateau before you start losing any weight? I've been 126-127 for a week now. I think I am eating too much. I am torn because I have to run because I am doing my marathon training but if I run I need energy and then I eat. If I don't eat after about 3 miles I feel so drained! I just am not losing and its frustrating as hell. I am eating roughly 1,000 cals a day. I guess I need to cut to 800 cals on days I run 4+ miles and 300 cals on days I don't run.

On another note, I am moving in a few days. On friday actually. My roommate has lost 20 pounds over the past year and she looks awesome! She is a weird eater too like me. She is def disordered although I don't think she will admit it. She has the perfect body. Shes thin, flat stomach, thin legs, but toned. She runs 7 miles a day! And she eats super healthy. I am glad though because she won't pressure me to eat poorly.

I am just sooo frustrated with this weight. I can't believe I let myself myself get to this size. 127 pounds!! Thats the most I have ever weighed. Ever. Ugh.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I am discouraged, mad, and feeling helpless. I have ben eating between 800-1000 cals a day and running 2-5 miles and I have... wait for it... GAINED 2 POUNDS!! How is this possible? I have been eating healthy stuff, avoiding carbs almost entirely, barely any fats at all. I don't understand. Any suggestions??

Thursday, June 30, 2011

It only takes one mia-nute

Before I was working on being "recovered" back when things were really bad good and I was down to 106 pounds and people were like "oh em gee you're so tiny" I felt soo guilty if I ate anything that I would just throw up everything. The past week things have been sooo bad. I can't believe I lost control like this. I told myself it was ok to recover and its not. It's really not.

I had to go to a business dinner last night and I already planned out what I was having: seared Ahi tuna, rare. Veggies. Salad with raspberry vinaigrette on the side. And that is what I had except...

Like I said it was a business dinner which means I did not pay and appetizers were ordered for us. And wherrrre do they put the crab dip?? Right in front of my face. I had like 3 carrots and two celery sticks with crab dip. But of course that blew my whole day, ruined my 800 calorie limit and the bathroom was right there. I went in. I thought for a minute. Should I go back down this road? I HATE mia with every ounce of my body. I just hate throwing up. I hate it. I bent over the toilet. I was just about to when.... my boss walks in. SHIT! So I flushed, washed my hands, and left.

Now I felt really guilty afterwards. Not because I tried but because I was so close and failed. As much as I hate mia I couldn't help it. My brain said "get this food out of my body" and that was it. Now lesson learned, any binge at all, no matter how slight means I will throw it up, whether I like it or not.

On a better note, today was EXCELLENT! I ran 2.5 miles so burned 250 cals. I ate:

B: Tortilla=120
2 egg white=34
2 tbs guac=40
L: subway orchard chicken salad, 1 scoop=160
on a salad with veggies and vinegar=20
baked lays=120
D: frozen yogurt, small=150
2 strawberries=10
2 tbs chocolate jimmies=115
TOTAL = 769

(minus -250 for running, but I think subtracting workout cals is a cop out until I begin running 8+ miles a day and then I will have to eat more to keep energy)

So anyway, I am backkk. I can feel it. Food was comfort and it still is. It makes me happy. But then again, so does Ana. I don't want to eat. I can feel that have gained control again. Saying no when a friend offers me a chip or a cookie. Waking up every morning jumping on the scale and seeing the number, however slowly, go down down down. THAT is me. Ana is who I am. There is not use fighting it, denying it, ignoring it. I am 24 years old. I am an adult, not a child. This isn't a phase, this isn't going to go away. THIS IS WHO I AM.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Hello old friend

Its been awhile. I recovered. Well, I mean, do any of us ever really recover? For those of you that have followed me in the past, a lot has changed in my life. I left my fiance. I finished my first year of law school. I am happier than EVER. Except for one thing hanging over my head... I lost control.

It's been bothering me for awhile. At first I was getting better. I stopped counting calories. I was healthy. And then I started to get unhealthy. I ate. And ate. And ate. And a new high weight ensued. This morning I finally stepped on the scale that I had been so tactically avoiding. 127. WOW.

I immediately signed up for my local marathon. I knew this would help me in two ways.
1) to lose weight and force me to exercise
2) to give me a reason as to why I am losing so much weight so quickly when people ask

This is my second marathon so I know how much dedication and discipline it takes. And it takes a lot. The key is to eat healthy, fiberous foods that give energy without calories.