Monday, July 11, 2011

baby steps

I don't really have much to say. Is it possible to plateau before you start losing any weight? I've been 126-127 for a week now. I think I am eating too much. I am torn because I have to run because I am doing my marathon training but if I run I need energy and then I eat. If I don't eat after about 3 miles I feel so drained! I just am not losing and its frustrating as hell. I am eating roughly 1,000 cals a day. I guess I need to cut to 800 cals on days I run 4+ miles and 300 cals on days I don't run.

On another note, I am moving in a few days. On friday actually. My roommate has lost 20 pounds over the past year and she looks awesome! She is a weird eater too like me. She is def disordered although I don't think she will admit it. She has the perfect body. Shes thin, flat stomach, thin legs, but toned. She runs 7 miles a day! And she eats super healthy. I am glad though because she won't pressure me to eat poorly.

I am just sooo frustrated with this weight. I can't believe I let myself myself get to this size. 127 pounds!! Thats the most I have ever weighed. Ever. Ugh.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I am discouraged, mad, and feeling helpless. I have ben eating between 800-1000 cals a day and running 2-5 miles and I have... wait for it... GAINED 2 POUNDS!! How is this possible? I have been eating healthy stuff, avoiding carbs almost entirely, barely any fats at all. I don't understand. Any suggestions??

Thursday, June 30, 2011

It only takes one mia-nute

Before I was working on being "recovered" back when things were really bad good and I was down to 106 pounds and people were like "oh em gee you're so tiny" I felt soo guilty if I ate anything that I would just throw up everything. The past week things have been sooo bad. I can't believe I lost control like this. I told myself it was ok to recover and its not. It's really not.

I had to go to a business dinner last night and I already planned out what I was having: seared Ahi tuna, rare. Veggies. Salad with raspberry vinaigrette on the side. And that is what I had except...

Like I said it was a business dinner which means I did not pay and appetizers were ordered for us. And wherrrre do they put the crab dip?? Right in front of my face. I had like 3 carrots and two celery sticks with crab dip. But of course that blew my whole day, ruined my 800 calorie limit and the bathroom was right there. I went in. I thought for a minute. Should I go back down this road? I HATE mia with every ounce of my body. I just hate throwing up. I hate it. I bent over the toilet. I was just about to when.... my boss walks in. SHIT! So I flushed, washed my hands, and left.

Now I felt really guilty afterwards. Not because I tried but because I was so close and failed. As much as I hate mia I couldn't help it. My brain said "get this food out of my body" and that was it. Now lesson learned, any binge at all, no matter how slight means I will throw it up, whether I like it or not.

On a better note, today was EXCELLENT! I ran 2.5 miles so burned 250 cals. I ate:

B: Tortilla=120
2 egg white=34
2 tbs guac=40
L: subway orchard chicken salad, 1 scoop=160
on a salad with veggies and vinegar=20
baked lays=120
D: frozen yogurt, small=150
2 strawberries=10
2 tbs chocolate jimmies=115
TOTAL = 769

(minus -250 for running, but I think subtracting workout cals is a cop out until I begin running 8+ miles a day and then I will have to eat more to keep energy)

So anyway, I am backkk. I can feel it. Food was comfort and it still is. It makes me happy. But then again, so does Ana. I don't want to eat. I can feel that have gained control again. Saying no when a friend offers me a chip or a cookie. Waking up every morning jumping on the scale and seeing the number, however slowly, go down down down. THAT is me. Ana is who I am. There is not use fighting it, denying it, ignoring it. I am 24 years old. I am an adult, not a child. This isn't a phase, this isn't going to go away. THIS IS WHO I AM.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Hello old friend

Its been awhile. I recovered. Well, I mean, do any of us ever really recover? For those of you that have followed me in the past, a lot has changed in my life. I left my fiance. I finished my first year of law school. I am happier than EVER. Except for one thing hanging over my head... I lost control.

It's been bothering me for awhile. At first I was getting better. I stopped counting calories. I was healthy. And then I started to get unhealthy. I ate. And ate. And ate. And a new high weight ensued. This morning I finally stepped on the scale that I had been so tactically avoiding. 127. WOW.

I immediately signed up for my local marathon. I knew this would help me in two ways.
1) to lose weight and force me to exercise
2) to give me a reason as to why I am losing so much weight so quickly when people ask

This is my second marathon so I know how much dedication and discipline it takes. And it takes a lot. The key is to eat healthy, fiberous foods that give energy without calories.

Friday, August 13, 2010

never eating again

so basically how i been feeling lately is that I just can't eat any food at all. If I try to eat healthy I just go over my daily intake limit thus depressing me and causing me to binge. But, if I just don't eat I'm fine because I don't expect any satisfaction from food so being hungry is acceptable and welcomed.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

so mad at mysrlf

So I've been doing great. Under 500 every day and burning 500 at the gym. I was down 4 pounds and I honestly haven't even been hungry. Tonight was my last girls night before school starts and I had been debating all day to eat or not to eat because that is always the question. I chose not to eat. 3 glasses of wine later and I ate... a salad and ahi tuna. Fml
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

Friday, August 6, 2010

so hungry

I'm at the gym right now treading away on the stairmaster. 500 calories burned 300 more to go. Calorie intake for the day 380. Dinner tonight is grilled chicken and salad at 7pm. Weight is down 3 pounds this week. I'm so hungry ladies. I'm just so hungry...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9