So not much has changed. My brother is in town and we have been going out to eat every day. I haven't been ordering bad stuff but it just sucks I can't really control my food. I think what I'm eating is healthy. I think I'm staying under 1k cals but the scale isn't moving so I guess I'm not doing as well as I think I am. he leaves Sunday so things will go back to normal then. Its just hard because I can't be like "oh salad and cottage cheese for dinner today little Bro" I just want to get back to normal!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Poop is all I can think about because its the one thing I can't do! Its becoming a very serious problem. I feel sick I think the toxins are sinking into my body if thats even possible. I need to take some laxies but I just hate how unpredictable they are. Sometimes I go like 2 hours after sometimes I go like 8 hours after. Oh well. I need to just give it a try.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Its not about losing weight anymore. Now, its about losing me. Losing myself, my fat self. Yes I can eat a bagel today and start my "diet" tomorrow but I'm sick of this. Sick of not having control of my own body. Sick of letting the fat girl inside me win win win. A few months ago I trained for a half marathon. Do you know how hard it is mentally to run 13 miles? If you don't I'll tell you. Its fucking hard! But I didn't listen to my body, I listened to my head and afterwards the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I did something 90% of the people I know wouldn't have the guts and strength to do, now that was an awesome feeling! So I can do this. I am in control.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Just a little side note. I am really proud of myself because I really wanted a bagel last night. I told myself if I woke up early I could stop and get one at dunkin donuts bc I always go there and get an iced coffee. So my plan was to go and get a bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and eat half and throw half away. So I woke up early and went and got in line and I ordered my coffee and then said "that's it". I didn't order the bagel. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm proud of myself! Hopefully mire to post later.
Monday, July 19, 2010
So I think part of the problem is that the first time I lost weight and got skinnyish I did it so quickly! Like in a matter of weeks. This ultimately led to weeks of binging as we all know will happen. The thing is this time around I need to be more patient. The weight will come off if I eat under 900. I know it will I just can't keep getting so frustrated! I give myself til Aug 1st to be 115 so that's 3 pounds from where I am now. I think if I keep setting these little goals for myself instead of obsessing over the big picture it will help. Starve on ladies.
Oh and BTW I am rereading Unwell by Leslie Lipton and it really is motivational!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I baked a cake from scratch for my mother-in-law's birthday yesterday. Good news, I didn't eat any food all day. Bad news, I ate like a pound of icing. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even see my hipbones any more. Ughh...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
I wish I could tell you ladies that I am losing but the fact is I have done the exact opposite. I have managed to balloon up to a whopping 121 pounds. Keep in mind that my ultimate high weight is 123 so I am only 2 pounds away from my high weight. Omg this is terrible!! Thankfully I ate great today 700ish calories. I was doing so well I can't believe vacation ruined everything. On a good note I am laying in bed and my stomach is growling so that means I am hungry. Yay.
I was watching the Oprah show today at the gym and they had this author on the show who wrote a book about women, god, and food. Now I am not a firm believer in the man upstairs but I did relate a lot to what these women were saying about food being comfort and eating for taste not for hunger. Eating until they feel so full they want to puke and then hating themselves afterwards. This is often how I feel after eating. Except, 2 main factors I feel separate me from these women. First of all, I feel like that even after eating a salad and a boca burger. No matter what I eat I am filled with an extreme amount of self loathing. Secondly, I am not going to sit back and let myself feel this way. I am going to DO something about it. I'm not going to let myself be just another 30 something woman 20 pounds overweight and eating my sorrows. I will starve and I will be thinner than everyone else because I am better and stronger then all those women out there. Starve in my loves!!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
New goal: get back down to my pre-vacation weight of 113 by July 24th. So that is 5 pounds and 2 weeks. I can definitely do that!
I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. Missed you girls. So glad to be home!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Well ladies this is my last post until I return from the Bahamas on Saturday. As you know I was striving to reach 112 by tomorrow morning. Well after a much needed bowel movement (sorry tmi) I weigh in at 114.2 in the middle of the day. I guess I'll take it. I know I am going to have to eat 3 meals a day since all food is included on the cruise. I just hope I don't gain more than 2 pounds. I'm going to work out every day and being in a bathing suit all day will really help discourage me from eating badly. Well love you girls. I'll miss you! Talk to you all Saturday <3
Saturday, July 3, 2010
So its kind of hard to do a liquid fast when you're at lunch with 5 other peoplevall of whom are eating. I forgot it is my friends birthday and I promised I would do lunch. So I couldn't say I had eaten on advance because this was planned. I tried to say I wasn't hungry but my friend made me split a burger with him. I ate half and then purged half. I hate purging but the anxiety that takes over my body after I eat is unbearable. I estimate my calorie intake today to be about 500. I'm so mad at myself. I'm def not going to reach my goal weight. Ughh
Friday, July 2, 2010
I read a lot about you ladies doing fasts and I really think I'm in desperate need of one. So tomorrow a fast it is. I'm going to allow myself water, unsweetened cranberry juice, and one protein powder scoop but staying under 300 calories no matter what! I need to be 112 by Monday!