I think I have a serious binge eating problem. I can't stop eating! I feel sick and I want to throw up but I just want to, I need to, taste, taste, taste. I find myself eating things I don't even like! Mayonaise. I hate mayonaise but yet I felt the need to eat it. No, not on a sandwich just with my finger. Seriously, I HATE mayonaise. Why is this happening?? My weight is rising. I don't know what is happening. I just have no control. Any advice... please??

I wish I could tell you ladies that I am losing but the fact is I have done the exact opposite. I have managed to balloon up to a whopping 121 pounds. Keep in mind that my ultimate high weight is 123 so I am only 2 pounds away from my high weight. Omg this is terrible!! Thankfully I ate great today 700ish calories. I was doing so well I can't believe vacation ruined everything. On a good note I am laying in bed and my stomach is growling so that means I am hungry. Yay.

I was watching the Oprah show today at the gym and they had this author on the show who wrote a book about women, god, and food. Now I am not a firm believer in the man upstairs but I did relate a lot to what these women were saying about food being comfort and eating for taste not for hunger. Eating until they feel so full they want to puke and then hating themselves afterwards. This is often how I feel after eating. Except, 2 main factors I feel separate me from these women. First of all, I feel like that even after eating a salad and a boca burger. No matter what I eat I am filled with an extreme amount of self loathing. Secondly, I am not going to sit back and let myself feel this way. I am going to DO something about it. I'm not going to let myself be just another 30 something woman 20 pounds overweight and eating my sorrows. I will starve and I will be thinner than everyone else because I am better and stronger then all those women out there. Starve in my loves!!

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I'm back

Well I'm back from vacation. I gained 5 pounds. I'm so terribly unhappy. It just wasn't possible to eat healthy. The only healthy thing they had was fruit which was only offered at breakfast and I ate it every day. Dinner was terrible. It was a 3 course sit down meal in which virtually nothing even remotely healthy was offered. One night I even got the steak thinking it was the healthiest thing on the menu. It came smothered in a melted butter sauce. I did not know this when I ordered it otherwise I would have asked them to not put it on there. So needless to say I am a fat cow weighing in at 117.8 pounds. At least its over, I'm home, and now I can go back to counting calories and stop feeling so anxious about my weight! There is nothing to fear now. Vacation is over and never again will I be forced to eat 3 full meals a day. Thank god!!

New goal: get back down to my pre-vacation weight of 113 by July 24th. So that is 5 pounds and 2 weeks. I can definitely do that!

I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. Missed you girls. So glad to be home!!

pre-vacation post

Well ladies this is my last post until I return from the Bahamas on Saturday. As you know I was striving to reach 112 by tomorrow morning. Well after a much needed bowel movement (sorry tmi) I weigh in at 114.2 in the middle of the day. I guess I'll take it. I know I am going to have to eat 3 meals a day since all food is included on the cruise. I just hope I don't gain more than 2 pounds. I'm going to work out every day and being in a bathing suit all day will really help discourage me from eating badly. Well love you girls. I'll miss you! Talk to you all Saturday <3

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I hate birthdays

So its kind of hard to do a liquid fast when you're at lunch with 5 other peoplevall of whom are eating. I forgot it is my friends birthday and I promised I would do lunch. So I couldn't say I had eaten on advance because this was planned. I tried to say I wasn't hungry but my friend made me split a burger with him. I ate half and then purged half. I hate purging but the anxiety that takes over my body after I eat is unbearable. I estimate my calorie intake today to be about 500. I'm so mad at myself. I'm def not going to reach my goal weight. Ughh

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my first official fast

I read a lot about you ladies doing fasts and I really think I'm in desperate need of one. So tomorrow a fast it is. I'm going to allow myself water, unsweetened cranberry juice, and one protein powder scoop but staying under 300 calories no matter what! I need to be 112 by Monday!

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In the end, MIA always wins

I was a good girl all day. And then I got hungry. I was at the grocery store and I don't know how but I ended up leaving with all my fruits and veggies and veggie patties and double stuffed Oreos. Whatttt?? Oreos? Yup. I ate 8. I purged approximately 5. Or at least that was what it looked like to me. Damnit! That is all I have to say. MIA won. I hate when she wins.