No news is good news

So not much has changed. My brother is in town and we have been going out to eat every day. I haven't been ordering bad stuff but it just sucks I can't really control my food. I think what I'm eating is healthy. I think I'm staying under 1k cals but the scale isn't moving so I guess I'm not doing as well as I think I am. he leaves Sunday so things will go back to normal then. Its just hard because I can't be like "oh salad and cottage cheese for dinner today little Bro" I just want to get back to normal!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

poop

Poop is all I can think about because its the one thing I can't do! Its becoming a very serious problem. I feel sick I think the toxins are sinking into my body if thats even possible. I need to take some laxies but I just hate how unpredictable they are. Sometimes I go like 2 hours after sometimes I go like 8 hours after. Oh well. I need to just give it a try.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

Refused

I just hate, hate, hate the RN at my doctor's office. I don't know why I just don't like her. She is so snobby. I don't think she likes me either though. So anyway, I had to go to the doctors today as a follow up appointment for some migraine medication I am on. Now keep in mind I was just there a few weeks ago when I got a terrible cold and I was skinnier. Last time I went my weight, with shoes and clothes on, was 115. Today I am bloated (about to get my period) and I know for a fact I am at least 120 with shoes and clothes on and honestly I just don't want anyone (except you ladies because I heart you) to know how much I weigh. So, when she asked me to get on the scale I said "Oh I think I'm going to skip that part today." Oh my god you would think I killed the women's puppy. She was like ...gasp... "really??" but she said it in a way like I just called her a foul name or something. She seemed insulted and then under today's date she wrote "weight: refused." Bitch! I just hate her! Who cares if I don't want to get on the freaking scale. I was there 3 weeks ago. Anyway, why does a person have to get weighed every...single...time they go to the doctor? If I gained 20 pounds you would know. If I lost 20 pounds (please, god, please) you would know. Anyway, sorry to rant. Hope you girls are having a great day.

Its not about losing weight anymore. Now, its about losing me. Losing myself, my fat self. Yes I can eat a bagel today and start my "diet" tomorrow but I'm sick of this. Sick of not having control of my own body. Sick of letting the fat girl inside me win win win. A few months ago I trained for a half marathon. Do you know how hard it is mentally to run 13 miles? If you don't I'll tell you. Its fucking hard! But I didn't listen to my body, I listened to my head and afterwards the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I did something 90% of the people I know wouldn't have the guts and strength to do, now that was an awesome feeling! So I can do this. I am in control.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

Just a little side note. I am really proud of myself because I really wanted a bagel last night. I told myself if I woke up early I could stop and get one at dunkin donuts bc I always go there and get an iced coffee. So my plan was to go and get a bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and eat half and throw half away. So I woke up early and went and got in line and I ordered my coffee and then said "that's it". I didn't order the bagel. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm proud of myself! Hopefully mire to post later.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

give it some time

So I think part of the problem is that the first time I lost weight and got skinnyish I did it so quickly! Like in a matter of weeks. This ultimately led to weeks of binging as we all know will happen. The thing is this time around I need to be more patient. The weight will come off if I eat under 900. I know it will I just can't keep getting so frustrated! I give myself til Aug 1st to be 115 so that's 3 pounds from where I am now. I think if I keep setting these little goals for myself instead of obsessing over the big picture it will help. Starve on ladies.

Oh and BTW I am rereading Unwell by Leslie Lipton and it really is motivational!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

I haven't posted in a few days and the reason is I am just ashamed at my lack of will power. I'm not eating bad but every time i tell myself 500 calories I eat 900. I haven't felt the urge to purge which really sucks because at least if I purge I feel like I am punishing myself for eating too much.

I baked a cake from scratch for my mother-in-law's birthday yesterday. Good news, I didn't eat any food all day. Bad news, I ate like a pound of icing. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even see my hipbones any more. Ughh...