No news is good news

So not much has changed. My brother is in town and we have been going out to eat every day. I haven't been ordering bad stuff but it just sucks I can't really control my food. I think what I'm eating is healthy. I think I'm staying under 1k cals but the scale isn't moving so I guess I'm not doing as well as I think I am. he leaves Sunday so things will go back to normal then. Its just hard because I can't be like "oh salad and cottage cheese for dinner today little Bro" I just want to get back to normal!

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poop

Poop is all I can think about because its the one thing I can't do! Its becoming a very serious problem. I feel sick I think the toxins are sinking into my body if thats even possible. I need to take some laxies but I just hate how unpredictable they are. Sometimes I go like 2 hours after sometimes I go like 8 hours after. Oh well. I need to just give it a try.

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Refused

I just hate, hate, hate the RN at my doctor's office. I don't know why I just don't like her. She is so snobby. I don't think she likes me either though. So anyway, I had to go to the doctors today as a follow up appointment for some migraine medication I am on. Now keep in mind I was just there a few weeks ago when I got a terrible cold and I was skinnier. Last time I went my weight, with shoes and clothes on, was 115. Today I am bloated (about to get my period) and I know for a fact I am at least 120 with shoes and clothes on and honestly I just don't want anyone (except you ladies because I heart you) to know how much I weigh. So, when she asked me to get on the scale I said "Oh I think I'm going to skip that part today." Oh my god you would think I killed the women's puppy. She was like ...gasp... "really??" but she said it in a way like I just called her a foul name or something. She seemed insulted and then under today's date she wrote "weight: refused." Bitch! I just hate her! Who cares if I don't want to get on the freaking scale. I was there 3 weeks ago. Anyway, why does a person have to get weighed every...single...time they go to the doctor? If I gained 20 pounds you would know. If I lost 20 pounds (please, god, please) you would know. Anyway, sorry to rant. Hope you girls are having a great day.

Its not about losing weight anymore. Now, its about losing me. Losing myself, my fat self. Yes I can eat a bagel today and start my "diet" tomorrow but I'm sick of this. Sick of not having control of my own body. Sick of letting the fat girl inside me win win win. A few months ago I trained for a half marathon. Do you know how hard it is mentally to run 13 miles? If you don't I'll tell you. Its fucking hard! But I didn't listen to my body, I listened to my head and afterwards the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I did something 90% of the people I know wouldn't have the guts and strength to do, now that was an awesome feeling! So I can do this. I am in control.

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Just a little side note. I am really proud of myself because I really wanted a bagel last night. I told myself if I woke up early I could stop and get one at dunkin donuts bc I always go there and get an iced coffee. So my plan was to go and get a bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and eat half and throw half away. So I woke up early and went and got in line and I ordered my coffee and then said "that's it". I didn't order the bagel. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm proud of myself! Hopefully mire to post later.

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give it some time

So I think part of the problem is that the first time I lost weight and got skinnyish I did it so quickly! Like in a matter of weeks. This ultimately led to weeks of binging as we all know will happen. The thing is this time around I need to be more patient. The weight will come off if I eat under 900. I know it will I just can't keep getting so frustrated! I give myself til Aug 1st to be 115 so that's 3 pounds from where I am now. I think if I keep setting these little goals for myself instead of obsessing over the big picture it will help. Starve on ladies.

Oh and BTW I am rereading Unwell by Leslie Lipton and it really is motivational!

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I haven't posted in a few days and the reason is I am just ashamed at my lack of will power. I'm not eating bad but every time i tell myself 500 calories I eat 900. I haven't felt the urge to purge which really sucks because at least if I purge I feel like I am punishing myself for eating too much.

I baked a cake from scratch for my mother-in-law's birthday yesterday. Good news, I didn't eat any food all day. Bad news, I ate like a pound of icing. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even see my hipbones any more. Ughh...

I think I have a serious binge eating problem. I can't stop eating! I feel sick and I want to throw up but I just want to, I need to, taste, taste, taste. I find myself eating things I don't even like! Mayonaise. I hate mayonaise but yet I felt the need to eat it. No, not on a sandwich just with my finger. Seriously, I HATE mayonaise. Why is this happening?? My weight is rising. I don't know what is happening. I just have no control. Any advice... please??

I wish I could tell you ladies that I am losing but the fact is I have done the exact opposite. I have managed to balloon up to a whopping 121 pounds. Keep in mind that my ultimate high weight is 123 so I am only 2 pounds away from my high weight. Omg this is terrible!! Thankfully I ate great today 700ish calories. I was doing so well I can't believe vacation ruined everything. On a good note I am laying in bed and my stomach is growling so that means I am hungry. Yay.

I was watching the Oprah show today at the gym and they had this author on the show who wrote a book about women, god, and food. Now I am not a firm believer in the man upstairs but I did relate a lot to what these women were saying about food being comfort and eating for taste not for hunger. Eating until they feel so full they want to puke and then hating themselves afterwards. This is often how I feel after eating. Except, 2 main factors I feel separate me from these women. First of all, I feel like that even after eating a salad and a boca burger. No matter what I eat I am filled with an extreme amount of self loathing. Secondly, I am not going to sit back and let myself feel this way. I am going to DO something about it. I'm not going to let myself be just another 30 something woman 20 pounds overweight and eating my sorrows. I will starve and I will be thinner than everyone else because I am better and stronger then all those women out there. Starve in my loves!!

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I'm back

Well I'm back from vacation. I gained 5 pounds. I'm so terribly unhappy. It just wasn't possible to eat healthy. The only healthy thing they had was fruit which was only offered at breakfast and I ate it every day. Dinner was terrible. It was a 3 course sit down meal in which virtually nothing even remotely healthy was offered. One night I even got the steak thinking it was the healthiest thing on the menu. It came smothered in a melted butter sauce. I did not know this when I ordered it otherwise I would have asked them to not put it on there. So needless to say I am a fat cow weighing in at 117.8 pounds. At least its over, I'm home, and now I can go back to counting calories and stop feeling so anxious about my weight! There is nothing to fear now. Vacation is over and never again will I be forced to eat 3 full meals a day. Thank god!!

New goal: get back down to my pre-vacation weight of 113 by July 24th. So that is 5 pounds and 2 weeks. I can definitely do that!

I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. Missed you girls. So glad to be home!!

pre-vacation post

Well ladies this is my last post until I return from the Bahamas on Saturday. As you know I was striving to reach 112 by tomorrow morning. Well after a much needed bowel movement (sorry tmi) I weigh in at 114.2 in the middle of the day. I guess I'll take it. I know I am going to have to eat 3 meals a day since all food is included on the cruise. I just hope I don't gain more than 2 pounds. I'm going to work out every day and being in a bathing suit all day will really help discourage me from eating badly. Well love you girls. I'll miss you! Talk to you all Saturday <3

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I hate birthdays

So its kind of hard to do a liquid fast when you're at lunch with 5 other peoplevall of whom are eating. I forgot it is my friends birthday and I promised I would do lunch. So I couldn't say I had eaten on advance because this was planned. I tried to say I wasn't hungry but my friend made me split a burger with him. I ate half and then purged half. I hate purging but the anxiety that takes over my body after I eat is unbearable. I estimate my calorie intake today to be about 500. I'm so mad at myself. I'm def not going to reach my goal weight. Ughh

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my first official fast

I read a lot about you ladies doing fasts and I really think I'm in desperate need of one. So tomorrow a fast it is. I'm going to allow myself water, unsweetened cranberry juice, and one protein powder scoop but staying under 300 calories no matter what! I need to be 112 by Monday!

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In the end, MIA always wins

I was a good girl all day. And then I got hungry. I was at the grocery store and I don't know how but I ended up leaving with all my fruits and veggies and veggie patties and double stuffed Oreos. Whatttt?? Oreos? Yup. I ate 8. I purged approximately 5. Or at least that was what it looked like to me. Damnit! That is all I have to say. MIA won. I hate when she wins.