Short post

So today has been good. I am exhausted from being sick but I still went to he gym and just did a little elliptical burning 250 or so calories. I also realized I haven't posted my weight in awhile. It's partially because my weight hasn't changed much. I was at 114.5 lbs today but it tends to fluctuate between a few pounds. Until I see 110 lbs I won't be happy.

Today I ate:
B-1/2 turkey sandwhich with vinegar = 105 cals
10 baked chips with salsa = 130 cals
L-protein water = 30 cals
D-boca burger = 70 cals
bun = 100 cals
veggies = 100 cals


Total for today 535 calories. Very good!

I'm glad to be sick

So the past couple days I've had a really sore throat. Tonight for dinner my fiance's mom wants to to Chinese food which benefits me in 2 ways. First, I hate Chinese food and my fiance knows that and so I am never forced to eat it. Second, I said my throat was so sore that I just wanted to bring a can of soup to have for dinner (Healthy request soup at 60 cals a serving and so yummy!)

So for today my plan was slightly modified since I'm not forced to eat such a high calorie content meal.

B- 2 rice cakes = 90 cals
turkey = 60 cals
L- Salad = 200 cals
S- 6 baked chips = 60 cals
salsa = 10 cals
guacamole = 30 cals
D- soup = 120 cals

Total 570 calories!

And I went to the gym but only burned 300 because I wasn't feeling well.

Overall a very good day. I'm going to take the advice of you lovely ladies and drink lots of water from now until dinner. I should do this anyway because I'm sick.

That's all for now! xoxo

Rice cakes

Rice cakes! I forgot how delicious they are (Quaker white chedder is sooo yummy) and how low cal they are (45 cals). If I eat 2 rice cakes and drink a large water after I am good to go!

Tomorrow is a fresh start for me. One of my best friends and I agreed to lose 10 pounds by April 1st. So a little friendly competition is my motivation as well as my new favorite thinspo video which I have uploaded on my blackberry btw).

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I will be having:

Morning, gym -300 cals

B-2 rice cakes = 90 cals
L-Turkey = 60 cals
1/2 salad with fat free ranch = 60 cals
D-Mother-in-law's house for dinner = 500??

My total will be around 710 calories. Thats 200 calories over my limit but at least I'm going to the gym. Ughh maybe I will skip the turkey...

Thinspo video

Ok first I want to start and say that this video is totally not meant to be used as thinspo. This girl is in recovery and I hope she really does get better (although I still want to look like her so badly!) I might be going to hell for this but oh well!

This video really is my main source of thinspo right now because our lives are very similar. I have the same body type, played soccer my entire life. Thick thighs. Not fat but just thick with fat and muscle. Athletic looking.

She gets sooo skinny. 45 pounds in 2 months! Wow.

I just want to say for this girl's sake, I hope she gets well and takes care of herself. You can only recover if you are ready. For those of us that aren't ready, starve on.

I feel like a cow

The title says it all. I feel like a huge fat cow. I can't lose weight and that discourages me and then I binge. Ugh I just wish I had better self control.

I went grocery shopping today right after my workout and right after I had starved all day. Lets just say that didn't end well. I didn't binge too badly but I ate baked chips and salsa and a bagel with low fat cream cheese. Probably an intake of about 400 calories. I took the advice of flushed and I poured dish detergent on the cream cheese and shook it up. Now its a sudsy mess.

Ohh my poor pathetic life. The problem is I get adventurous and try to get things that are tasty and eat them in moderation except the fat girl inside me doesn't know what moderation means and she forces me to eat it all.

Tomorrow it is restrict, restrict, restrict. The month of March is going to be called "Operation Get Skinny or Die Trying." 10 pounds by April 1st. I WILL DO THIS!

Sunday funday

Tomorrow is Sunday Funday. While most of my friends refer to it as this because they drink all day, I refer to it as this because I a) sleep in b) work out and c) restrict without anyone noticing. I am not forced to eat on Sundays because I tell the fiance I am eating at work and tell those at work that I "am soo sick of the food here! I ate at home." But since apparently fasting makes me gain weight (seriously wtf...) I am going to eat a bit before work and after working out to avoid a sneak attack from the french fry bin.

Tomorrow: gym 1 hour -400 calories

B- banana = 80 cals
L- boca burger = 70 cals
bread = 100 cals
veggies (1 cup) = 40 cals
D- apple = 80 cals
protein water = 30 cals

Total 400 calories. I better lose an 'effin pound!

Not a single pound

So Thursday and FridayI fasted all day and all night. By the time Friday night came around my friends had noticed I wasn't really eating so they forced me to eat a salad which I ordered dressing on the side and only ate half. I felt great! I thought I had to have lost weight. I didn't eat for two days!

Well today was weigh in day. Lo and behold... I didn't lose a single damn pound. Wtf!?? How is this possible? I don't understand. I feel so discouraged. I mean, I am supposed to get my period tomorrow but I never actually get my period even though I am on birth control. I haven't gotten my period regularly ever.

I don't think my period has anything to do with the reason I haven't lost weight. I feel like crap. Why can't I lose weight?? Any ideas please comment. I'm desperate here.

The ultimate thinspo

The ultimate thinspo for me? That fact that I want to be the thinspo! I look at these pictures of these skinny girls that I admire so much and I just think about how I want to be that girl that other girls look at, envy, and post pictures of. I want to be that girl that other girls say "omg I would die to look like her." Does that make me vain? Absolutely. But would I have an ED if I were secure in my own, blubbery skin? Probably not.

shaky

This is my first time fasting. Like seriously fasting on nothing but liquids for days. Right now I am so shaky! I guess thats a good thing? I'm sure this has happened to some of you before. What do you do? I drank a V8 and that seemed to help a little bit but it doesn't last long. I have to work all day tomorrow and I'm afraid that my hands will shake and I will drop a tray or something!

Anyway it's 7 pm here. The fast went well. I had a few peices of celery but since I drank some vegetable juice I figure it doesn't count haha. I was craving chips and I just wanted to feel that crunch. It helped a lot! I sprinkled a little salt on the celery and it totally cured my craving.

I'm really tired though. I feel drained and jello-y. Oh well I will go to bed soon enough!

Thats all for now. Stay strong ladies.

Liquid fast day 1

So I ate soo much last night. So much that my fiance was like "omg where are you putting all that food." It was kind of embarrassing actually because I feel so fat and not that he was calling me fat but he definitely noticed I was being a pig!

So in return I am liquid fasting all day today and tomorrow. These are the only two days I can fast because They are the only two days I can go without seeing my fiance during meal times. So its nothing but protein water, V8, and coffee for me! But I vow to stay under 200 cals anyway.

I also am not able to go to the gym today or tomorrow unfortunately so a liquid fast makes me feel better about being a lazy bum.

Still feeling bad

Sooo I'm still feeling like crap for all the crap that I ate today. And all the crap I will prob eat tomorrow at dinner. I am going to go to the gym for an extra 30 mins tomorrow and will burn 600 calories at least! Tomorrow I am having:

B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast = 70 cals
L- Salad with vinegar = 50 cals
D- Unknown

I also have my entire day planned out for Thursday which is a 400 calorie day.

Wake up, gym, and the dreaded weigh in (comeonnn 115!)

B- none
L- Turkey (3 oz) = 90 cals
Low-cal bread 1 slice = 45 cals
Spinach salad w/ dressing = 53 cals
S- Hot tea = 0 cals
D- Boca burgers (2) = 140 cals
Vegetables (1.5 cups) = 60 cals

Total 388 calories!

no carbs, not for me

Avoiding carbs is impossible! Even the smallest portion of ketchup has 4 grams of carbs! And I love ketchup. I mix it with mustard and put it on pretty much everything instead of bbq or ranch or anything else. I decided I would rather eat carbs and a have an apple than not have carbs and risk a binge. I lost all my weight a few months ago by keeping my calories under 500 every day and I can do it again.

Today didn't go quite as well as planned but it was ok.

B- 3 egg whites = 48 cals
2 oz chicken breast with mustard = 90 cals
L- Protein water = 30 cals
1/8 turkey sandwhich with honey mustard = 200
D- Caesar salad no dressing = 80 cals
String beans = 30 cals

The rest takes some explaining. I went to dinner with my friend and ordered a Caesar salad with the dressing on the side (which i didn't eat) and a crab cake with string beans. I ate the salad and vegetables and took the crab cake home. I was going to save it for my fiance but I lost control. I ate the crab cake and then I ate like 6 Oreo cookies. I immediately realized what I was doing and shoved the rest of the cookies in the garbage disposal and went upstairs and purged. The cookies and the crab cake added up to 600 calories or so.

Without the binge I was at 478 calories. If I would have just threw away the crab cake and avoided the cookies I would have easily stayed under for my ABC.

And tomorrow my fiance and I are going out for our valentines day dinner (we always go out a few days after). So I know there is no possible way to stay under 500. Not possible at all. I am just going to consider this a huge fail and re-start my ABC on Thursday when I am in complete control and have no excuses to go to dinner any time soon.

Hope everyone's day went better than mine! Stay strong ladies.

Feeling Fantastic

So today has gone exactlly as planned! Thanks for the motivation guys and feel free to steal my food list any time! It is 7:30 right now and I'm baking my chicken breast and boiling some eggs to have egg whites tomorrow. Staying under 30 grams carbs is harder than you think! Especially since I can't eat fruit and yogurt which is my favorite. I think I'm going to take a page out of the south beach diet book and steer clear of carbs for 2-3 weeks and then slowly introduce fruits into my diet.

Good News: I burned 400 cals at the gym today so with a calorie intake of 488, that means I only had an intake of 88 calories today. I always try to burn what I eat, but sometimes I just don't have time!

Bad News: I gained a pound :( 117 pounds today. Gross!

My goal for tomorrow

Maybe if I write down what I will eat tomorrow it will be easier to stick to my ABC!

Tomorrow is day 1 which is a 500 calorie day. My day will go like this...

B- Protein shake = 100 cals/6 carbs
S- Special K protein water = 30 cals/6 carbs
L- none
S- Boca Burger = 70 cals/6 carbs
D- Spinach raw = 13 cals/2 carbs
Sesame ginger dressing (2 tbs) = 45 cals/2 carbs
Chicken breast (5 oz) = 230 cals

Total = 488 calories and 22 grams carbs

Also I am going to the gym after work so I will prob burn around 300 cals. I'll update tomorrow.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels! Don't forget it ladies.

Sooo fat

My fiance and I hosted a party tonight and I ate sooo much! Partly because people would think it was odd that I wasn't eating or drinking (I don't drink alcohol much because I end up eating when I'm drunk always). I also ate because, hell, it was my party! So I had 3 pieces of pizza, buffalo chicken dip, and about 8 chocolate chip cookies! That was about 3 hours ago and I still feel nauseous.

Tomorrow starts abc!! So excited to feel an empty stomach. I also am still staying under 30 grams of carbs at least for a few days. My weight is slowly creeping up on me. I was at 116.3 yesterday. Yuck!! My pants are starting to get tight on me again and I can feel my belly jiggle growing.

I used to work with this girl who I still see all the time and she has always been very pretty but she used to be my size, maybe a little bigger and last year she lost like 20 pounds and everyone was always saying how good she looked. And then she lost another 10 pounds or so and now there are whispers that she might have an ED and I'm so jealous. I want people to whisper about me then I would know I was successful.




She's so skinny I want to be her!

A good day

Today was a good day. I worked from 10 am til 10 pm but I got up early and went to the gym. I didn't binge! I didn't eat any french fries at work and I'm starved right now! Victory. Today I had:

Gym: -250 cals

B- Luna bar = 120
L- Bean burger w/ guacamole = 325
S- Protein water = 30
D- 1/4 of a sub (3'') = 200

Total = 675 cals

I can still feel my tummy giggle and I hate it! But it just motivates me to work harder. Tomorrow starts my low carb plan. Lets see how it goes!

Protein, protein, protein

I picked up some Special K protein water today. Each packet has 30 calories, 5 grams of protein and 5 grams of fiber with only 6 grams carbs. I also picked up some muscle milk light chocolate flavor. This will satisfy my sweet tooth and it has only 100 calories, 15 grams protein, 3 grams of fiber and only 6 grams carbs. I also have read on various websites that if you stay under 30 grams of carbs your body will go into ketosis which means it will be forced to break down fat to gain energy but will not break down your lean muscle.

So I'm going to give this a try and see how it fairs. Wish me luck!

Research proves...

After I posted my last post I did some research online about the special k protein shake and found that they have a lot of sugar and carbs. No good. If I am going to do a liquid fast I don't want to be ingesting all those carbs!

Maybe what I should do is continue restricting and focus on eating and not carbs and try to put my body into ketosis which burns fat and not muscle. People say it is bad for you because once you start eating normal again you gain the weight back but lets be serious, I haven't eaten "normally" since I was 16 so...

Does anyone have any thoughts on ketosis or a liquid fast?

And P.S. After my recent few days of 900+ calories, my weight is still 115! Which is good I think I got my metabolism going so tomorrow when I really start restricting I will hopefully loose quickly. My goal is still to be at 110 pounds by Feb. 26th!

Liquid fast

I've been feeling really terrible about my lack of self control. You know when you get to that point where you start to think that you just don't have what it takes and you're never going to be skinny so you might as well just eat and be fat? Well that is precisely where I am.

About 2 months ago I went on vacation and before I went I restricted really hard. 500 cals a day and I didn't have any trouble doing it and I got down to 106 pounds. People started telling me I looked too skinny and my fiance actually told me I looked like I lost all my meat! I had so much strength. And now I can't even turn down a stupid old stale cookie that didn't taste good yesterday and definitely didn't taste good today.

So since the weekend is here it is easy for me to restrict since I work a lot and my fiance won't be around. If I can manage to walk to the grocery store today (my car is snowed in and I live in the city so its only a half mile to the nearest store) I am going to get Special K protein shakes, Special K vitamin water and V8 juice.

My plan is to do 2 protein shakes a day (190 cals each) and 2 V8 (50 cals). On days I have to eat I will have a small meal under 250 cals. Days I don't have to eat I'll have another protein shake if necessary and another V8. Either way I am under 700 cals. I will do this for at least 5 days or until I reach 110 since that is my short term goal. Anyone want to going me??

Another bust

Today is another terrible day. Snowed in and surrounded by food. And no one is reading my blog...

B- 2 pancakes = 250
L- chicken quesadilla = 260
D- vegetables = 100
baked potato = 235
steak = 500

And a neighbor brought over cookies soooo a million calories...

better but not quite

For some reason the past few weeks have been soo hard for me! I went to the gym today finally. I weighed in at 115.5. So depressing. To make it worse its snowing again! So I'll be stuck in the house for another 3 days surrounded by food and not able to get to the gym.

I was reading the new Harper's Bazar today and they are debuting all the spring clothing lines. I've been starving myself all winter to be super skinny for spring shopping and all I have lost is a measly 7 pounds!

Well this is my day today:
Gym -270 cals

B-Kid's Cliff Bar = 120 cals
L- Salad w/ dressing = 100 cals
Turkey 3 oz = 90 cals
D- Cheese quesadilla = 200
My "low cal" french toast = 115 cals
S-Special K fruit crisp = 100 cals

Total: 725 cals ( I don't subtract workout calories)

I want to try to stay under 700 but at least I came close! Thats all for now.

My 2 month plan

I found this website and made a plan to get to under 100 pounds by March 28th!

Week Calories Weight
1 773 113.43 lbs
2 758 111.1 lbs
3 743 108.77 lbs
4 729 106.44 lbs
5 714 104.11 lbs
6 700 101.79 lbs
7 685 99.46 lbs

discouraged

I am feeling a little bit discouraged right now. I have been following the blog choke on air for some time now. Although she is much taller than me, her BMI when her weight was 134 is the same as mine is now. She began staying under 800 cals for a few months with frequent binges of 1000 or more calories. Somehow she managed to get down to 120 pounds over the holidays while admitting that she did binge quite often.

I don't get it! I exercise 6 days a week and always stay under 800 cals although sometimes a eat a fry or a piece of burger at work but I frequently purge after I do so. Why can't I lose weight?! maybe I am eating more than I think...

Anyone else feeling as worthless as discouraged as me? It makes me want to say fuck it and binge!

a new day

Well today is a new day. I love waking up in the morning knowing that whatever damage I did yesterday can be fixed today. So because of the snow I did not have to work today which is good because that means I get to be alone to a) blog and b) not eat.

I did get really hungry today around 2 pm so I had a banana and a boca burger. The fiance wants to make qusadillas for dinner. He knows how weird I am with food so I only use reduced fat cheese and salsa grilled between a tortilla with no butter but I am still not looking forward to it. I couldn't go to the gym again today either. It has been 3 days now!

This is my plan for today. And I WILL stick to it. No rewards and no slip ups.

B- none
L- banana 80
boca burger and roll 170
D-lettuce w/ fat free ranch 50
"quesadillas" w/ salsa 200

That totals 500 calories. I guess that is acceptable.

fighting the urge and failing

I'm blogging from my cell right now because I need a distraction. Working in a restaurant and having an ED don't go well together.

I don't know if anyone else every feels this way but sometimes I feel so anxious because I want to eat normal. I want to pick up a french fry and not burst into tears or run to the bathroom and puke but I can't. I just physically can't. If I eat something that I have not given myself permission to eat I really freak out, for a lack of better words. But, if I give myself permission to eat real food then I feel ok when I do. I rarely give myself permission though.

So anyway I'm trying to convince myself not to eat a fry. They're sitting there calling my name saying "eat me, just one" but I won't do it. I won't give in because if I do I'll have to go throw up and that's hard to do at work.

________________________________________________________

I just want to add this side note and say that today has been a complete failure. I had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and some ice cream. Prob like 800 calories. I'm so disgusted with myself. Ughhh!

snowed in

So for those of you living on the east coast such as myself, you know that mother nature just dumped about 3 feet of snow on us, thus making it impossible for me to go anywhere. Not only that but the gym has been closed for the past 2 days!!

I ate wayyy over my limit yesterday. Not bad stuff, just normal stuff. Ugh! Today has been better so far. Granted it is only 12:30 in the afternoon here. This is my plan for today.

B- coffee and lots of it! Black of course with 3 Splendas = 5 cals
L- boca burger & mustard = 70 cals
spinach salad with 2 tbs fat free ranch = 50 cals
D- soup = 100 cals
banana = 80 cals

A grand total of 305 cals!

I also have set a new goal for myself. I am currently at 116 pounds but I need to be 108 by next Sunday! I know I can do it because I have before. Wish me luck!

An introduction

I first of all want to begin by saying that this is not a pro-ana blog. It is simply a blog detailing my battle with food and with my own weight.

Am I anorexic? I'm not sure. That is something I feel I am not able to decide because it is not a choice and it is not up to me.

I am 23. I weigh 116 pounds. And I am not hungry...