fighting the urge and failing

I'm blogging from my cell right now because I need a distraction. Working in a restaurant and having an ED don't go well together.

I don't know if anyone else every feels this way but sometimes I feel so anxious because I want to eat normal. I want to pick up a french fry and not burst into tears or run to the bathroom and puke but I can't. I just physically can't. If I eat something that I have not given myself permission to eat I really freak out, for a lack of better words. But, if I give myself permission to eat real food then I feel ok when I do. I rarely give myself permission though.

So anyway I'm trying to convince myself not to eat a fry. They're sitting there calling my name saying "eat me, just one" but I won't do it. I won't give in because if I do I'll have to go throw up and that's hard to do at work.

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I just want to add this side note and say that today has been a complete failure. I had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and some ice cream. Prob like 800 calories. I'm so disgusted with myself. Ughhh!